The Moment of Truth

I write a lot on my blog about the power that we have withing ourselves to make the right choice.  I write often of faith, strength, perspective and enduring.

Those are all easy things to write about when the sea is calm.  But what about when the storm comes? Is it as easy to say, "Thy will be done?" or "The Lord qualifies those He calls" when the the sea is no longer still?

One day, not too long ago, a storm came into my life.  A big one. All the things that I knew were put to the test: God's will is the best for me; He will give me the strength to do hard things; I can be happy in the middle of struggles; I willingly carry my cross because that is how I become like my Savior.

In the first moments I faltered.  The realization of the terrible storm brought tears of frustration, anger and even resentment. I didn't not want this trial.  I did not sign up for it.  I did not think I could endure it. It was too much to ask.  Can He make it go away?

The moments turned to hours. The tears came and went, then came again. The doubts, frustrations and anger went sent through prayer to heaven with no answer in return.

Then, soon after I had the chance to hear the answer given to me through my good husband: This is our burden to bear, our load to carry. And we are asked to carry it because we can, and we will.  Heavenly Father will give us the knowledge, the patience and the understanding we need to get through it.  There is wisdom in all things- even the painful ones.

I hated that he was right, so I cried a little more. I wanted to fight, I wasn't willing to accept just yet.

Then he bought me chocolate cookies and I stopped crying.

He reminded me of something I would often say, "Just because life is easy doesn't mean it's good, and just because life is hard doesn't mean it's bad." He smiled and said, "We can do hard things, Michelle.  And we can do this."

Then came the moment of truth: the moment where I had to make a choice: The moment I decided how I will respond to the storm.  Will I continue to scream at the wind and the waves as they thrash me about? Or will I put on the protective gear and do my best to steer the boat through the storm? Do I let anger, resentment and frustration take control? Or do I make the choice to believe and do?

In that moment I chose to stop yelling at the waves, and to steer the boat.  Almost immediately I began to feel a little better, a little lighter and a little hopeful.

He bought me a chocolate shake and I began to smile.

I am still in the middle of the storm.  The waves are so tall that I cannot seem to see past them. My boat has been rocked and I feel seasick. I have done an inventory of my abilities and found that I am seemingly unqualified to steer the boat.  But, I know who can see the entire sea, and He is telling me things will be alright.  I choose to believe Him (and my husband.)

And, for the first time, even in the middle of the storm, I feel peace.

Turning it Over To Him

The worst feeling in the world is the feeling of helplessness. I find great peace and strength in my power to choose the direction of my life and the people in it. But, when things beyond my control rob me of that power, and I realize there are certain things that I have no say in, I feel helpless.

As I study the situation out in my mind, I see no amount of change that I have control over. The outcome is not up to me, no matter the depths of my desire.

It is a precarious place to be. How helpless, how frustrating, how angry I can feel if I let myself. It is challenging, letting go of the desire to control, and the anger I feel because that control has been taken. Anger is so easy, and sometimes even empowering and in a strange way, comforting. It means there is someone or something else to blame.

When I have done all I can (which isn't much) I have only one thing left to do: turn it over to God. If anyone is capable of helping, it is Him. If anyone is qualified to understand, it is Him. If anyone can make a difference it is Him.

I may not be able to control the situation, but I can control how I respond and who I will become.

So, I turn it over to Him: the feelings of helplessness, anger, frustration and fear. I ask for strength, understanding, love and acceptance. It is hard to give up that final degree of control to Him. But I have. Now all that is left to do is pray and accept the outcome. Easier said than done- but I will try nonetheless.

So, I turn it over to Him.

I realize I cannot control the situation, or even how I feel, but I can control how I respond. I can control who I become through the helplessness. So, that is what I will do. I will hand it over to Him. That act of faith is just that: an act, a motion, a choice. It means I am not truly helpless. It means I change from being powerless to faithful, hopeless to cautiously optimistic, angry to open. It means even without the ability to control or influence the situation, I have learned I have complete control over me.

So, I turn it over to Him with faith and gratitude (and perhaps a short list of "okay, I know You are in charge but is is what I would like to see happen if you can swing it.") and pray for the strength and ability to accept the outcome, come what may.