Almost Every Moment

Since the moment I signed my contract with Deseret Book to publish  'Does This Insecurity Make Me Look Fat?' I have been asked a hundred times, 'Aren't you just LOVING every minute?!'

Of course I am! How could I answer otherwise?  I am a published author--of an inspirational book, nonetheless! I landed a my first book deal from my very first pitch session at my very first writer's conference. I am proof that miracles can happen, that dreams can come true! 

So, of course I tell people I am loving every moment. Because I should, right? Right? How dare I not?

I've loved almost every moment.

But, the truth is, I haven't loved every moment. In fact, there are some moments I haven't enjoyed at all.

Like the moment before I signed the contract, where I cried and wondered how I could possibly publish a book about insecurity when I still had moments of insecurity.

Like the moment I realized my book wasn't flying off the shelves, and people weren't fighting to get their hands on the last copy in the store.

Like the moment my book was replaced by the 'next big release' and I was an 'old release.'

Like the moment I was snubbed by someone I looked up to.

Like the moment I walked up to a woman at my book signing, handed her my book, told her all about, only to have her hand it back to me and say, "No thanks, I just want Where's Waldo."

Or like the moment an old friend called me after many years to tell me she she bought my book and she felt the need to tell me I was a terrible person who needed therapy, that I am sick and twisted for writing such things, since I was a deeply disturbed person inside. That she will read my book, though she won't enjoy it at all. 

That moment was awful.

I wasn't expecting any of these moments, and, frankly, they all sucked.

Then there were other moments that were filled with surprising and unwelcome feelings.

Doubt that I could write another book. 

Fear that if I tried and failed I would become an official 'One Hit Wonder.'

Sadness that the phone stopped ringing and the emails stopped coming as I stepped off the euphoric New Release roller coaster and back onto the platform of real life.

Confusion when I struggled to know what direction to take next.

Pressure to write another book before the few fans that I have forget me.

Though these moments and feelings have only dotted the joy that I've felt during this experience, they are still real. And I have felt awful for feeling them.

Have you ever felt like that? Like you had an amazing opportunity, blessing, or experience, and yet, there are some bad or tough moments, or negative or difficult feelings that arise? Perhaps after the birth of your child, or a new job. Maybe a new relationship or marriage. Have you ever felt guilty for not loving every single moment?

I'll admit, I grappled with justifying the contradictory moments and feelings. Then I've found  few things that have helped me to understand how it all fits in--how we can feel bad amid the good, and what we can do about it. 

First, I accepted the fact that I am human. We have bad times, even bad days. That doesn't mean we're bad--that I'm bad.

Secondly, I recognized the adversary's influence in my difficulties. As I looked at timeline of the bad moments/feelings, I saw a direct correlation with my successes and opportunities. As I took a step back, it became easy for me to see the influence of the adversary on my journey. He doesn't want me to succeed. He doesn't want me to be happy. And he definitely doesn't want me to write another book.

One of the things I have loved about the publication of my book is the way it has touched and empowered so many women. I get emails and phone calls, meet them in person and online. Through hugs and tears I have heard their stories, their heartbreak, and the hope and joy they have found through the truths contained in my little book. Satan wants to stop the good from progressing. He wants to stop me.

Once I realized that, I allowed the bad moments and feelings to be just that, moments and feelings. They didn't ruin my experience. They didn't take away from the beautiful and far-reaching effects of my intentions and efforts. They didn't mean I haven't done any good, that I am weak, or that I am not cut out to do this again. They are just moments and feelings. They aren't me.

I am prone to these moments and feelings because I am doing good things, because I am pushing myself, putting myself out there, and trying hard.The adversary wouldn't mess with an unworthy opponent or one who wasn't a threat. It is a sign that I am actually doing good--really good.

Third, I also realized that, though these moments and feelings were real, and sometimes awful, it was the guilt that I felt over even having them that weighed the most heavily on me, as though having them meant that I either didn't appreciate or deserve the wonderful experience as a whole. Once I saw them for what they were, just moments and feelings I could compartmentalize and work through, rather than an indictment of my failure or unworthiness of this experience, I became free to focus once again on the joy of the journey. 

And it has been a joy.

Fourth, I realized, once again, the power that prayer unlocks. Through a lot of prayer, God has mercifully given me glimpses of His perspective and purpose. He has eased my fears, and strengthened my shoulders and heart. And He has let me know that, as always, He has a plan for me--even though I might not love every moment of it.

Fifth was the realization that difficult moments don't mean the experience isn't a or valued one and I can't still be grateful. It's okay to not love every moment or be grateful for everything we have or don't have, as long as we have gratitude in our circumstances. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf spoke of this recently:

"Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation? In other, I'm suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances--whatever they may be." 

He acknowledged that it can be difficult to be grateful for the things that are painful or difficult--but, he said, we can have gratitude IN all our circumstances.I can have miserable moments and feelings and still have a thankful heart. And that's ok.

As I look back at my journey this past year, there has not been a day--even days with tough moments and negative feelings--where I haven't felt an overall gratitude to God for His love and guidance. It was ok that I wasn't grateful for every moment, that I didn't love every second. I could have those not-so-happy experiences AND still be grateful. It wasn't an either or. 

That was a big moment for me. The guilt I felt for struggling with these moments and feelings left. There are some residual feelings there, especially as new pressures arise and new opportunities loom (or not loom), and that's all right.

Lastly, I realized that this will probably happen again--and that's ok. Good marriages are dotted with tough times. Parenting is riddled with challenging moments.Pretty much any worthy goal that requires effort to achieve will also bring on moments and feelings that might not be joyful-that might be downright awful. But that is the ebb and flow of life, the rhythm of growth. The reason we are here.

We aren't here to love every single moment of this life. But, we are here to develop the ability to have gratitude in our circumstances, whatever they may be. We are here to reach and grow, to extend ourselves and improve ourselves, to be more than we are today. That kind of reaching brings growing pains, from inside ourselves and out. With God's help, we can have the perspective to see through and beyond those moments and feelings, to the wonderful things He has in store.

So, have I loved every moment?

No. But, I am deeply grateful for my experience.

Do I look forward to the more painful moments and bad feelings?

No. But with perspective and God's help, I am ready for them, and I say, "Bring it on."

Now I'm off on another journey, another book, another amazing ride, and another set of difficult moments and feelings. 

And I'm gonna love (almost) every moment of it.

The Ride of Life

A few weeks ago I headed out to my local trail for a nice 8 mile bike ride. I had been logging in the double digits before, so I figured 8 small miles wouldn't be a big deal.

It was a beautiful late summer afternoon. The weather was perfect, the scenery gorgeous, and one of my favorite songs, 'Sailing Away' by Styx, was blasting in my ears. I felt good, really good.

A few miles into my ride I started getting a big tired. That's when I came upon this in the middle of the trail. written by a chalk angel:

I couldn't help but smile and agree. Yeah, I totally got this!

I began to pedal faster and pushed myself, renewed and refueled by the chalked encouragement. Then I got tired again. It was as though my chalk angel knew what I needed to hear, because as I slowed down, and even considered stopping to take a break, I came across this:

I restarted my 'Sail Away' song and continued strong up the path. I looked down at my speedometer and realized I was riding at my fastest pace ever. The power of words and encouragement!

I didn't see another message from my chalk angel for a few miles, but continued to ride hard. So hard that I lost track of where I was, until I saw this:

Yes! The toughest part of the ride was almost over, and I was about the glide down a large hill--my favorite part of the ride! Then, a half mile from the end of the trail, my chalk angel left me one last message:

 And finish strong I did!


As I drove home my body tingled with the after-work out buzz, but my mind was still on the trail, and life.

Life can seem like a long bike ride. There are uphill climbs and downhill glides, tough corners to turn and straightaways to where we can enjoy the scenery. We have families to raise, church and community responsibilities to take care of, work and all the other things that come with life.


But God is always there, supporting us and cheering us on. Most times, however, He helps us through other people. And most times, the other people have no idea they are helping us. He uses us to help each other--and many times we aren't even aware of it. I'm sure the person who wrote those things on the trail had now idea I'd be biking that day, but the words impacted me nonetheless.

I often to refer to Him as the Great Orchestrator for that very reason. I believe that He is very aware of us, our want, and especially our needs, and is s constantly working on our behalf, coordinating and orchestrating people and opportunities and experiences for us


I believe He puts people and things in our paths to help us along, to offer strength, encouragement, support, guidance, and fun.


We are all here having the ride of our lives. How comforting it is to know that we are not alone, that He is helping us-through each other- to make it through. :)

My Emancipation Proclamation Revisited

As I was reviewing old posts, I came across this one, called My Emancipation Proclamation. 

It was written two years ago during a time when I was really struggling. It is poorly written and raw (apparently my spelling and grammar take a back seat to sentiment when I'm feeling emotional.) And it is very real.

A lot has changed in two years. Though I have moments where I don't feel the greatest about myself (like today when a crown fell out of my mouth while snacking on a rice-crispy treat. So not feeling beautiful then!) On the whole, I feel good about who I am. In fact, I like who I am. And it's not because I look a certain way (in fact, I'm heavier and wrinklier than I was when I wrote the post). It's because I look myself through God's eyes now-- not the worlds, and not even mine.

My concern is that I please God. And that makes me feel beautiful.

But, for those times of weakness and doubt (because they still come), when I struggle to find my inner and outer beauty, this Emancipation Proclamation rings true.

---------------------------------------------

2011

I am apprehensive as I write.  There is a part of me that feels that I am the only one that struggles with this.  I must be, because everyone else looks so lovely, so happy, so sure of themselves. And yet, I know that there are others.  I have talked with them. They have told me they feel the same way.  But, in spite of shared secrets and fears, there still is a voice that tells me it is only me.

I am talking about feeling insecure. I want so badly to say that I am completely happy with who I am all the time, but it is a struggle.  Especially lately.

There is someone that I compare myself to.  Most of the time it is a subconscious haunting. It crops up when I walk by a full-length mirror, or stand next to someone that reminds me of her. I begin to look at myself, not for who I am, but for how much I am not like her.  I am not as thin as her, or as confident as her, or as eloquent as her.  I am not as good of a mother as her, nor am I as smart or beautiful as her.  I cannot cook as well as she can, and her house is always clean. There are times when I don't feel I am good enough- because I think I am not as good as her.

She is you. It is of no fault of your own.  You just have so many qualities that I wish I possess.  It becomes a problem with I begin to think I am not as good in whole, because I am not like you.

I give myself kudos for admitting that.  It takes courage to admit that I compare myself to you and other women. I like courage. It's cool.   I don't like insecurities.  And yet, I have them. I typically feel very grounded and happy, but lately the doubts and insecurities are cropping up more frequently. Not cool.

I have thought a lot about the genesis of these feelings, trying to figure them all out.  Here's what I've come up with.

1. I've been a little emotional lately. I am a woman.  Women are emotional creatures with high self-expectations and a desperate (albeit sometimes hidden) need to be needed, desired, and loved. When we (I) feel unattractive outside and/or inside, we  (I) doubt that we (I) are worthy to be loved, desired, and needed.  Granted, this is a blanket statement that may not apply to every single woman- but for the other 99% of us (me), I think it applies.

2. Lately I have lost  view of the correct definition of beauty. We are seeds of Deity- daughters of God- and because so, we have an innate drive to progress, to improve, to get better.  That is a good thing.  This good thing, though,  becomes distorted when we look someone beyond God in Heaven as the yardstick for our progress, our success and our beauty.  The media is a terrible God to worship and follow.  It tells us that if we are not a size 2 we are fat.  If we do not have perfect skin, we are ugly.  It tell us that if we do not dress fashionable (again- fashion according to the Media God) than we are frumpy and out of style.  It tells us constantly that we are not good enough.

The Media God tells us our chest is too small, our thighs are too big, our hair is the wrong color, and our face is too saggy. And we listen. Sometimes I listen.

The messages creep into our minds and breed self-doubt and unhappiness. We look at other followers of the Media God and compare ourselves to them, even try to keep up with them.  So we get cosmetic surgery, color our hair, take diet pills, get botox, have fake tans, and get fake nails--all the while denying the Media God's influence in our lives. We say it's not about comparing,  that we 'just want to feel good about ourselves.' But, that is not completely true.

So, I look at the celebrities in the magazine, then to myself - not the same.  I look at women around me, friends, then to myself- not the same.  I see so many beautiful and talented people, and I see me and all my weaknesses, and I allow myself to feel less.

This is not a new dilemma for us women (and men.) In the Middle Ages, women would concoct toxic treatments to remove all facial hair- eyebrows, lashes and even hairlines- all for the sake of their definition of beauty.  In 100 B.C. Greco-Romans women would bleach their hair using carbonized beechwood and goat fat. Women of the Han Dynasty in China would ingest a powder three times a day whiten their complexion. In 2,500 B.C. Egyptians applied a mixture of kohl and animal fat around their eyes as eye-liner. In 300 A.D. Japanese Women would lacquer their teeth black with iron filings. In Elizabethan times, women would painstakingly pluck their hairline back to make their foreheads appear larger.

Culture dictates what is beautiful and we conform. It has, and always will.  It is how the world works. But, we know that we are not of the world.  We have a divine lineage that did not begin, nor does it end, in this life. But, we allow ourselves to become immersed in it as it dictates who we should be, who we should follow, and what we need to be happy.  We all get caught up in it to one degree or another.  It is nearly inescapable.

So, the golden question is: How do we find the balance between feeling beautiful and secure in who we are - not comparing ourselves to others (or what we looked like in high school), all while staying beautiful according to God?

The answer.......... I don't know.  I don't know the formula for amazing self-esteem, impervious to outside influences and inside perception.  Otherwise, I wouldn't be feeling this way! But, what I do know is that I am done feeling this way.

So today I decided to make a stand. This is my personal Emancipation Proclamation (EP). Join in if you'd like:

I, (insert your name here),  hereby free myself from unrealistic expectations and guilt.  

I decree that I will love my muffin-top, embrace my stretch marks, laugh-lines, old clothes, and frizzy hair.  

I free myself from the oppression of comparison.

On this day, I declare myself free from pressure to be "perfect."

Today, I give myself the right to see me as He does - and agree.

I will hereforthwith recognize and find joy in my God-given talents and strengths without apology or dismissiveness.

I do not stand with the world and judge myself.

Today, I choose to stand with God and tell the world (Media Gods) to take a hike. 

Today, I love myself.

Today I am free.

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Perfection in Progress

Perfect. Perfection. Perfectionist.

These are words that raise the stress level of most women I know.  They seem to be haunted (me included) by the expectation of perfection.  Keep the perfect house, raise the perfect children, say the perfect thing, etc.

Many have seen the fatal flaw in this way of thinking. They have taken it upon themselves to crusade for the right to be imperfect with sayings like:

"A beautiful thing is never perfect." 

"Strive for progress, not perfection."

And though this gives me some sense of relief- it creates a new problem of lowered expectations and complacency. A longing creeps up through the layers of thought- a longing that yes, I do want to be more, I do want to be perfect.

The I wonder where that comes from. Why do I feel this desire, this need to be perfect. 

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks the other day. I was teaching a Sunday School class about Heavenly Father. We were discussing His divine attributes, perfection being one of them. A question popped into my head and out my mouth:

Can a Perfect Being create something imperfect?

I've thought a lot about that in the past few days- even prayed about it. We are created in His image. He is perfect, yet we are not. And the world tells us we aren't supposed to be. And I long for it.

Then a light went on in my head, and in my heart.

God created us perfectly to be perfect. But- we are not finished being made. 

The reason we aren't perfect now, isn't because we are a flawed creation and ever will be. We aren't perfect now because he isn't finished creating us, molding us, teaching us, and raising us.

God isn't finished with me.  I am, in essence, perfection in progress. 

My perfection doesn't lie in my performance, but my potential. This explains my innate desire to strive, to improve, to grow, to be perfect.  This desire is in my heavenly DNA. It's as though my spirit knows something my mind has forgotten:  I was made to reach perfection.  I just haven't gotten there yet.

As I rejoiced in this new perspective, another thought came to my mind:

God's view of perfection has nothing to do with how well I take photographs, or cook, or clean, or exercise, or homeschool my kids (which I don't), scrapbook, blog, Pinterest,  write, dress, or whatever. The perfection God intends for me is perfection in my character and glory and joy.

No where in the scriptures does it say, "Be ye therefore perfect like the skinny, well-dressed  PTA president whose kids always look adorable. Yeah, be like her."

No, the Savior Himself says, "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in Heaven is perfect."

This is what He wants for me...someday- to be perfect like Him, when He is finished with me.

I know I wont' be for a long time. My whole life and then some. That's the way He intended it.

He doesn't expect a finished product when I'm still going through the production line.  I still have missing pieces and experiences. I am still unfinished.

He doesn't suggest, nor expect, perfection now- He only asks that we look to Him for help to realize our perfect potential, and let Him help us get there.

Our struggles and imperfections are not a surprise nor a disappointment to God or the Savior. They knew we would have difficulties and doubts, sadness and frustration, weaknesses and shortcomings. They also  knew at times we would be weighed down by unhealthy expectations and guilt. These things just get in the way of our progression. They want us to turn to them- to hand our weaknesses and sorrows over to them.

In Matthew 11:28 the Savior says, "Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Then in John 14:1 he says, "Let your heart not be troubled, ye believe in God, believe also in me."

They want us to be happy now in the knowledge that we will be perfect later. They want to help us now, so we can reach our perfection later. 

That's the beauty of our progression: we don't - can't - do it alone. 

God will be there, if we let Him, to mold us, to guide us, to strengthen us and to cheer us on. He is our creator, and we are His creations in progress. He is actively working with us and through us to help us reach out greatest potential. He celebrates our steps- even the smallest of them - every day. 

He applauds the way we love, serve, repent and forgive. He has given us our innate longing to do better, to be better- not so we will feel sadness in our perfections, but so that we will seek Him out in them. And together, someday, we will be made perfect.

Until then, I know for me, I will find joy in each step I take, knowing that perfection isn't expected of me, but waiting for me someday. 

I'm perfection in progress, and proud of it.

When Pain Trumps the Pain

I've got a friend who recently had shoulder surgery and wrist surgery on the same day. I was able to visit with her just yesterday and inquired about her recovery.

She shared how the shoulder has mobility, but still is quite painful.  Lifting is difficult, but a necessary part of mothering a young child.  

When I asked her about her wrist she said something that was interesting.  She said that before the procedure the surgeons explained that, even though wrist surgery is painful, the pain is trumped by the shoulder pain and she most likely would not notice it as much.  

She happily told me it was true.  As bad as the pain from her shoulder was, it had drawn nearly all the attention away from her wrist.  It was a blessing in disguise.

I thought about that concept in a spiritual sense. Afflictions aren't a lone breed.  They usually come in pairs, or even packs.  When when ball drops, so does the next.  When a domino falls, it knocks down the others. 

Sometimes we are so bombarded by trials that we just feel pain.

But, maybe that is wisdom in God's plan.  Part of the purpose of life is be tested and tried.  Salvation has a cost, and it isn't cheap.  If we experienced each affliction, each trial, each pain or discomfort in a string of individual experiences, our lives would probably be filled with a never-ending stream of troubles, problems, adversity and pain. Each individual trial would receive our full attention, and we would experience all the pain and frustration associated with it.

But, God in His infinite wisdom, has taken that string of trials and combined and spaced them into clusters of manageable afflictions. (When I say manageable, I mean that we will never be given more than we can handle.)

As we experience multiple difficulties, the harder, more painful ones, trump the lesser ones.  We can experience them and endure them without the full affect of their pain, and yet still be beneficiaries of the blessings that come from enduring them in faith.

Not that I'm a big fan of pile-up trials   - or any trials for that matter.  But the trials in this life are what allow us the opportunity to learn and grow, to stretch and choose who we will be.

I've had a few in my life- but as I look back at those times, I can see that this principle rings true- at least in my life.  As I am going through something big, smaller trials pop up the seem unimportant, even trivial in comparison. But, if I would have experienced them alone, they might have caused me a great deal of discomfort, even pain.

One of the greatest blessings of these cluster trials is the sweet relief when the healing begins and the trials and pain lessons, and the lessons and blessings of peace and growth take their place.  We have more spiritual strength and mobility, and we are better for the wear.

It just goes to show that, truly, we can see God and His wisdom in nearly every aspect of our lives.  Even a shoulder/wrist surgery.  I'm grateful to my friend for inviting me into her home, sharing a fun afternoon and giving me such great food for thought.

Come What May and Love It

A few years ago a beloved leader of my church shared some inspiring words his mother told him when times were tough.  She said, "Come what may, and love it."

I've thought a lot about that lately. Things don't always turn out like we planned, and life is full of difficulties. Our minds know that is part of the process of growth.  We know the purpose of this life is to reach our potential and be like our Savior.

We cannot think that we can become like Him unless we pass through our own furnace of adversity.

So, how do we make it through the tough times, when our minds know but our hearts might fail? How do we say to ourselves, "Come what may, and love it?"

Elder Wirthland puts it far better than I ever could.

He teaches that "the way we react in adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be."

The four keys he shares to doing this are:

1. Learn to laugh. It will extend your life, and theirs.

2. Seek for the eternal.  Difficult times are "on the job training" which stretches our understanding, builds our character, and increases our compassion for others.

3. Understand the principle of compensation. "That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way." "Every tear today will eventually be returned a hundred fold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

4. Trust in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They want us to be happy and be successful.  

"The simple secret is this: Put your trust in the Lord, do your best and leave the rest to Him."

Thank you Elder Wirthlin.