Come What May and Love It

A few years ago a beloved leader of my church shared some inspiring words his mother told him when times were tough.  She said, "Come what may, and love it."

I've thought a lot about that lately. Things don't always turn out like we planned, and life is full of difficulties. Our minds know that is part of the process of growth.  We know the purpose of this life is to reach our potential and be like our Savior.

We cannot think that we can become like Him unless we pass through our own furnace of adversity.

So, how do we make it through the tough times, when our minds know but our hearts might fail? How do we say to ourselves, "Come what may, and love it?"

Elder Wirthland puts it far better than I ever could.

He teaches that "the way we react in adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be."

The four keys he shares to doing this are:

1. Learn to laugh. It will extend your life, and theirs.

2. Seek for the eternal.  Difficult times are "on the job training" which stretches our understanding, builds our character, and increases our compassion for others.

3. Understand the principle of compensation. "That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way." "Every tear today will eventually be returned a hundred fold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

4. Trust in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They want us to be happy and be successful.  

"The simple secret is this: Put your trust in the Lord, do your best and leave the rest to Him."

Thank you Elder Wirthlin. 

Layers

Last year at our church's Harvest Festival there were a variety of games we could play.  One of them was the Mummy Game.  You stand still as your partner runs around you, unwinding a large roll of toilet paper.  You race against another team to see who can unroll the toilet paper first. In the end, you look like a wrapped up mummy (albeit a messy one!)

It was a fun game, and not as easy as it sounds.  (I, personally, enjoyed the eating-a-donut-hanging-off-a-string-with-no-hands one.  I pretty much dominated that one!)

My daughter played the mummy game a number times. One particular time she teamed up with an overzealous partner who speedily unwound three rolls of toilet paper all over her. Nearly every part of her was covered, but her feet.

She stood there, looking like a TP mummy. I wouldn't have recognized her if it weren't for her sparkling prices shoes!

I helped unwind her, layer by layer, until I was able to see and recognize my little girl again.  She said, "Whew, now I'm me again!"

Adopting an older child has had it's blessings, but it has also come with its share of challenges.  There are behaviors and habits that were developed long before she came.  Some are positive, but others are foreign and even detrimental. Some are just down-right frustrating.

But, as I've studied, prayed and pondered about it, I realized that she is playing the Mummy game, although this time it was not of her own choice.

Deep inside is my little girl.  She is strong, sweet, intelligent, patient, loving and kind.  She has amazing potential.  But, covering up much of who she really is are her behaviors.

She is wrapped up in fear and anxiety.  She has layers of sadness and anger.  Since she was young she had partners who ran around her with instability, abuse and neglect. So, now she comes to our home, wrapped in layers; and it's my job to unwind them, layer by layer, until I can see her.

I struggle because sometimes I forget that I am not seeing her, but the layers that she is wrapped up in; when she throws a fit, when tells a lie, when she makes other choices that are contrary to what we teach and practice on our home, I need to remind myself not to just stare at the layers, but to look beyond them.  I remind myself that she is under the layers, and it's my job to get to her.

This concept of layers doesn't only apply to adopted children.  They apply to all.

We are all covered in layers to some degree. Some are wrapped so tightly that it is nearly impossible to see who they really are.  They might even know who they are inside.  Others have only a thin layer; perhaps of insecurity or sadness.  But, we all have layers.

When I see someone acting in a negative way, intentional or not, I have to remind myself that behaviors are  layers.  And when I get frustrated with them, and perhaps even develop feelings of dislike for them, I have to remind myself of a saying I once heard "You cannot love behaviors."

It is difficult look at a person or child who is hurting you or attacking you and think warm fuzzies- because you can't love behaviors.

The key is to look beyond the behaviors, beyond the layers to the person wrapped up inside.  Often they cannot find their way out without help.  And almost always, they want deep down inside to feel like themselves again. Deep down we all want to be happy.

So, when I am offended by an adult, or frustrated by a child, I tell myself they are layers, not them.

Underneath we all want the same thing: to be valued, to be loved, to be needed and to be worthy.  In most cases, the people with the most behavioral issues are the ones with the most layers.  They are the ones that want to be freed the most, even if they don't know it.

I know I have my layers.  Sometimes I will say or do something contrary to who I feel I am because I am acting out of insecurity, anger or selfishness.  That isn't easy to admit, but it's true.  And, I would hope that those around me would try to look beyond my layers, too.  That they would try to see me, my righteous desires, and my potential.  And I would hope that they would love me for me, not judge me because of my layers, but see through them.

I love my daughter.  She is a challenge, with many layers.  It will probably be a life-long endeavor to unwrap them, but she is worth it.



PS- For those of you who were wondering, there is the matter of accountability we all have to unwrap our own layers.  Regardless of what has happened to us, we are accountable for how we act and what we do. This post in no way is dismissing personal accountability. (That's a whole different post!)  It is simply a visual that helps me get past the choices that some people make and see them for who they are.  It makes it easier to love them, not their behaviors. 

Do As I'm Doing

There is a song that the children in my church learn. It's sung on Sundays to help get their wiggles out.  It's called, "Do As I'm Doing."  The song leader stands in front of the class and does a motion, like rolling hands, clapping or marching and sings the song.  The children stand up and sing with the music leader and mimics what she does as she sings:

Do as I'm doing, follow follow me,

Do as I'm doing, follow follow me.

I can do it high or low,
I can do it fast or slow,

Do as I'm doing, follow follow me,

Do as I'm doing, follow follow me.

It gets really fun, especially when we let the kids choose the action.

I am amazed at how eager the children are to follow someone else's example.  They love this song.

Today in my class (I teach the 5 and 6 year olds) we had a visitor, Jack, a 4-year-old cousin of one of the children. He sat next to another boy, we'll call him Ben, who is 6 six years old.  

Ben is pretty active, and completely hilarious.  Jack watched Ben as much as he watched me.  When Jack's attention was on me, he mimicked how I sat, and sat reverently as I taught about accountability and making good choices. But, when he focused his attention on Ben, he mimicked Ben's behavior, making faces and giggling and so on. (I had to give them both a few warnings, lol.)  The moment, though, that Jack turned his attention back to me, he again sat very still and was reverent.

What we focus our attention has a powerful influence on how we behave ourselves.  When we are focused on ourselves and our personal desires, are we more prone to act selfish and not give as freely to those around us?  When we are focused on our careers, does that change how much time we spend with our family?  If we are too focused the women (and men) we see on in the media, do we become more concerned with our appearance and less than on our substance?

What, or who, are you following?  What, or who, has your attention? What, or who, do you act like?

If you are doing things, or thinking things, that you do not like, or are damaging, it's easy to change.  Look to the perfect example of joy and peace: The Savior.  Do as He is doing, follow, follow Him.  Follow his example of kindness and love, service and charity.  Follow his gospel and his commandments.  Mimic his behavior as he teaches the gospel, prays, is baptized, and follows the will of Heavenly Father. 

When Jack followed me, he was calm and he learned.  When he followed Ben, he was having fun, but he wasn't learning.  When we follow the Savior, we will find peace and we will learn. When we choose to follow other things, we night be having fun, but we will not learn...and we might even get in trouble.

So, do a self-check: Who or what are you following.  If it's not the Savior, turn your attention, your head and your heart to Him.  Do as He is doing, follow, follow Him.

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And just for the record- Ben is not a bad kid! (Don't worry Steph!)  He is just very happy and animated :)

Happiness

Well, my class on the Basics of Happiness was tonight.  There was a good turn out, and I loved the feedback from the women.  This is a bare-bones outline of the class:

Happiness comes from 4 main sources:

    1. Our sense of worth/value

    2. A feeling of accomplishment and/or success

    3. Love- giving and receiving

    4. Selfless service

WHEN OUR EXPECTATIONS (AND HOPES) ARE ACHIEVED IN THESE AREAS, WE FEEL A LEVEL OF HAPPINESS, OR CONTENTMENT

That is why a person who values money and fame can feel an honest sense of happiness and satisfaction when he reaches his goal.  Without qualifying or quantifying that happiness- it is happiness to them all the same.

There are 3 ways to gain/increase happiness:

1. Genetics: There are optimists and there are pessimists.  The cup is seen as either half full or half empty.  We all perceive a certain level of happiness in our lives because that's how we are wired. Our innate perception, no matter how positive or negative, doesn't change the amount of water in it.

2. Created: No matter what level of happiness we are genetically disposed to, we were all born with the capacity to create additional happiness based on our choices and efforts.

 We can look at the main sources of happiness and ask ourselves: How is the definer of my value and the author of my expectations and goals? Hollywood says my size 12 is fat- so does that lower my feeling of value or worth? Society says that I should have a spotless home and career and have my children involved in all kinds of sports and music - so are those my expectations for myself, too?

If happiness comes when our expectations are met, then it is our responsibility to make sure our values and goals are of God's, not the worlds.

With the power of PERSPECTIVE and our purposeful CHOICES, we can find happiness.  As we align our will with Gods, as we begin to see ourselves and our lives through His eye, our goals will change, our expectations will change, the way we love and allow ourselves to be love change, and the way we serve others will change.

I love the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Prayer is the key to creating happiness.  We can pray for perspective, and courage to make choices that will ultimately brings us the greatest happiness- living God's will. My brother put it perfectly in his comment on the last post: For the Baptist preacher, the key to happiness is converting a soul to God. For the teenager living in Southern California the key to happiness is "making it big" as an actor. For an African, the key to happiness is having pure, disease free drinking water for her children. The key to happiness can be defined by several different desires and passions, so I would suggest context is a profound qualifier for the lesson, which I am sure you have prepared!! For me, as a father of four, an unemployed recovering addict, the key to happiness for is twofold. First is knowing through personal prayer what the will of the Father is for me, second, being brave enough to do what He expects of me. It is only when I have successfully accomplished matching both understanding coupled with action that I feel happy. Otherwise, life sucks. 

Aristotle said: "Happiness is an activity of the soul in accordance with virtue." As we choose to live our lives in accordance with virtue, or God's will for us, we create happiness for ourselves.

3. The third source of happiness is that happiness which is Given: Even after all I can do, my cup is not full.

George Q Cannon said: It is not given to men and women on the earth to be entirely satisfied, if they seek for satisfaction and happiness in worldly things. There is only one way in which perfect happiness can be obtained, and that is by having the Spirit of God.”


Perfect happiness, or complete happiness, can come only as a gift from God through the Spirit.  You may have felt it in your life already.  There are moments when I look at my children and I see them as He does, and I am overwhelmed with joy.  That is a gift.


There are moments when I am driving and saying a prayer of gratitude, and I feel an added measure of peace and happiness.  That is a gift.


There are even moments when I am in tears, on my knees, just praying for something, and I have felt the calming and reassurance rest of happiness and love.  That is a gift.


After all we can do, we are still deficient.  But, through the tender love of a Heavenly Father and the miracle of our elder brother's Atonement, we can be made whole and perfect.  Even in something as simple as happiness.


One last thing we talked about along with Perspective and Choice was Gratitude.  Gordon B Hinckley said: "Gratitude is of the very essence of worship. … When you walk with gratitude, you do not walk with arrogance and conceit and egotism, you walk with a spirit of thanksgiving that is becoming to you and will bless your lives". Sincerely giving thanks not only helps us recognize our blessings, it also unlocks the doors of heaven and helps us feel God's love.” 
 

The question was asked: Can you feel happiness when things are hard or you are sad? The answer is a resounding, YES!

Life wasn't meant to be continuous moments of happiness and glee.  There are trials, there are troubles, there are pains and sadness. But, if we can be grateful for all the moments in our lives, and see them for what they are - all opportunities to grow- then we can still feel a sense of happiness even in our darkest moments.  Especially when those darkest moments are what bring us closest to God.

Happiness isn't all joy, laughing and giggles.  Perfect happiness is peace, strength, perspective, faith, courage and action.  Happiness is living a life tandem to God's will, taking full advantage of the blessings of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and loving them, yourself and those around you.

We have the power, and the obligation, to create happiness within ourselves.  Joshua said, "Choose you this day whom you will serve."  WE have a choice- who will we look to to define our worth and set our goals and standards.  

As we make honest and concerted efforts to choose His ways, He will bless us with an added measure of happiness and joy, until our happiness is full, complete and perfect.

The irony of it all is that today was a really tough day for me. I started out the day in tears of frustration and sorrow, and ended it with tears of gratitude and happiness.  My circumstances didn't change, but my perspective did.  I made the choice to see things differently.  And when I did, I was rewarded with a peace and comfort and happiness that I know did not come from me. What a blessing this has been for me in my life.

Gordon B Hinckley also said: "Cultivate an attitude of happiness. Cultivate a spirit of optimism. Walk with faith, rejoicing in the beauties of nature, in the goodness of those you love, in the testimony which you carry in your heart concerning things divine."

I hope you have success in finding and creating and receiving happiness in your lives.

What is the Key to Happiness?

I am going to teach a class about this on Tuesday.  If you live in my area, you are invited to come.

This topic has been on my mind a lot lately.  I have my own ideas, but I want to hear from you. Even if you don't usually leave comments, please just take a second to tell me what you think is the key to happiness.

I'll post my thoughts later in the week after my class.

The Pursuit of Happiness

Take a moment and ask yourself a few questions:

Am I happy?

What would it take to make me happy (happier)?

The pursuit of happiness is perhaps the most traveled and least understood path.  We all want to be happy.  But, what defines happy?  Some confuse happiness with ease of life.  When times are good and troubles are few, people are happy.  Others define happiness as the time when everything is "going their way," when life meets their expectations.  When they have what they want, they are happy.

But, really, what is happy?

As far as I can tell, there are three types of happy.  

The first is an adjective to describe a state of mood. We feel happy (optimistically satisfied) when we receive a gift, win an award or buy the new couch we've been eying for months. We feel happy when our children achieve something significant, or when our spouse actually remembers our anniversary.  We tend to use the term, " That makes me happy."  In that light, anyone can be happy for a time.  There are things and situations all around us that can make us happy.  

The driving source of this state of happiness is external.  As such, we are, in essence,  being acted upon. We cannot, therefore, claim control over our happiness. If we rely solely on these outside sources for our happiness, we will find that our moods change as often as we change the channel, and we will be searching from one thing to another to make us happy. Victor Frankl, a psychiatrist and inspirational Holocaust survivor, noted that "it is the very pursuit of happiness that thwarts happiness."

The second kind of happy is a state of mind.  This is not just how we feel, but what we think. This type of happiness does not come from an external source.  Rather, it comes from inside of us. It is created by our thoughts which, in turn, from our perspective. We have the control. To this, Dr. Frankl said, "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."   

This state of mind allowed Dr. Frankl to not only endure horrid conditions in a number of concentration camps, but to find deeper meaning and clarity during his suffering. He found that he could choose to be happy, even in the worst of conditions. He realized that external forces could have influence, but he had the ultimate control of his happiness.  

It is a freeing notion- that no one or no thing "makes" you happy.  You make you happy. In this state of happiness, it is possible to be happy, optimistic, content and and hopeful, even when the external sources of happiness are absent.

The third kind of happy is a state of being.  It is not only what we feel, or what we think, but who we are. 

George Santayana, a Spanish philosopher, poet and novelist, once said, "Knowledge of what is possible is the beginning of happiness."   When we begin to tap into our divine heritage, to truly understand where we came from and where we can go, being happy will become part of our character.

Democritus, the Ancient Greek philosopher, said, "Happiness resides not in possessions and not in gold, the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul." 

This third type, or stage, of happy comes from nothing we can see or touch on earth.  It is not externally influenced, or internally created.  It is eternally given. It comes from the love of Heavenly Father and His Son.  But, it is up to us to tap into it, to develop it.  

 This type of happiness transcends the others. It does not guarantee that we will always get what we want, or always be in a good mood, or that life will always be easy. We cannot see the reasons for all things.  But we have been told they are for our good.  As we seek His will in our lives, and as our testimonies of who we are grow, we can be happy, even in the greatest of trials.  Perhaps this is why Paul, the great Apostle said, "...we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope; and hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts"

Aldous Huxley, and English writer said, "Happiness is not achieved by the conscience pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities." 

Jesus Christ has given us the means to be happy: commandments and counsel, his gospel and life-saving ordinances.  As we follow His teachings,  and love and serve our neighbors as ourselves, we not only feel happy, but we become a happy people.  In John 13:17 the Savior says, "If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them."

So, ask yourself these questions again:

Am I happy?

What would it take to make me happy (happier)?

Heavenly Father wants us to be happy.  Not just for a moment, a minute or a mood.  But do be genuinely happy. I wonder if he ever gets frustrated with us as He watches us aimlessly search and wallow.  It makes me think of a quote from a movie I saw when I was young. In the bottom-line words spoken to Elizabeth by her imaginary friend, Drop Dead Fred.  She was telling him how she wanted to be happy, but just wasn't.  He tries to help, the in frustration yells "So, why don't you get happy!" (As he her forehead with a shovel.)