Almost Every Moment

Since the moment I signed my contract with Deseret Book to publish  'Does This Insecurity Make Me Look Fat?' I have been asked a hundred times, 'Aren't you just LOVING every minute?!'

Of course I am! How could I answer otherwise?  I am a published author--of an inspirational book, nonetheless! I landed a my first book deal from my very first pitch session at my very first writer's conference. I am proof that miracles can happen, that dreams can come true! 

So, of course I tell people I am loving every moment. Because I should, right? Right? How dare I not?

I've loved almost every moment.

But, the truth is, I haven't loved every moment. In fact, there are some moments I haven't enjoyed at all.

Like the moment before I signed the contract, where I cried and wondered how I could possibly publish a book about insecurity when I still had moments of insecurity.

Like the moment I realized my book wasn't flying off the shelves, and people weren't fighting to get their hands on the last copy in the store.

Like the moment my book was replaced by the 'next big release' and I was an 'old release.'

Like the moment I was snubbed by someone I looked up to.

Like the moment I walked up to a woman at my book signing, handed her my book, told her all about, only to have her hand it back to me and say, "No thanks, I just want Where's Waldo."

Or like the moment an old friend called me after many years to tell me she she bought my book and she felt the need to tell me I was a terrible person who needed therapy, that I am sick and twisted for writing such things, since I was a deeply disturbed person inside. That she will read my book, though she won't enjoy it at all. 

That moment was awful.

I wasn't expecting any of these moments, and, frankly, they all sucked.

Then there were other moments that were filled with surprising and unwelcome feelings.

Doubt that I could write another book. 

Fear that if I tried and failed I would become an official 'One Hit Wonder.'

Sadness that the phone stopped ringing and the emails stopped coming as I stepped off the euphoric New Release roller coaster and back onto the platform of real life.

Confusion when I struggled to know what direction to take next.

Pressure to write another book before the few fans that I have forget me.

Though these moments and feelings have only dotted the joy that I've felt during this experience, they are still real. And I have felt awful for feeling them.

Have you ever felt like that? Like you had an amazing opportunity, blessing, or experience, and yet, there are some bad or tough moments, or negative or difficult feelings that arise? Perhaps after the birth of your child, or a new job. Maybe a new relationship or marriage. Have you ever felt guilty for not loving every single moment?

I'll admit, I grappled with justifying the contradictory moments and feelings. Then I've found  few things that have helped me to understand how it all fits in--how we can feel bad amid the good, and what we can do about it. 

First, I accepted the fact that I am human. We have bad times, even bad days. That doesn't mean we're bad--that I'm bad.

Secondly, I recognized the adversary's influence in my difficulties. As I looked at timeline of the bad moments/feelings, I saw a direct correlation with my successes and opportunities. As I took a step back, it became easy for me to see the influence of the adversary on my journey. He doesn't want me to succeed. He doesn't want me to be happy. And he definitely doesn't want me to write another book.

One of the things I have loved about the publication of my book is the way it has touched and empowered so many women. I get emails and phone calls, meet them in person and online. Through hugs and tears I have heard their stories, their heartbreak, and the hope and joy they have found through the truths contained in my little book. Satan wants to stop the good from progressing. He wants to stop me.

Once I realized that, I allowed the bad moments and feelings to be just that, moments and feelings. They didn't ruin my experience. They didn't take away from the beautiful and far-reaching effects of my intentions and efforts. They didn't mean I haven't done any good, that I am weak, or that I am not cut out to do this again. They are just moments and feelings. They aren't me.

I am prone to these moments and feelings because I am doing good things, because I am pushing myself, putting myself out there, and trying hard.The adversary wouldn't mess with an unworthy opponent or one who wasn't a threat. It is a sign that I am actually doing good--really good.

Third, I also realized that, though these moments and feelings were real, and sometimes awful, it was the guilt that I felt over even having them that weighed the most heavily on me, as though having them meant that I either didn't appreciate or deserve the wonderful experience as a whole. Once I saw them for what they were, just moments and feelings I could compartmentalize and work through, rather than an indictment of my failure or unworthiness of this experience, I became free to focus once again on the joy of the journey. 

And it has been a joy.

Fourth, I realized, once again, the power that prayer unlocks. Through a lot of prayer, God has mercifully given me glimpses of His perspective and purpose. He has eased my fears, and strengthened my shoulders and heart. And He has let me know that, as always, He has a plan for me--even though I might not love every moment of it.

Fifth was the realization that difficult moments don't mean the experience isn't a or valued one and I can't still be grateful. It's okay to not love every moment or be grateful for everything we have or don't have, as long as we have gratitude in our circumstances. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf spoke of this recently:

"Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation? In other, I'm suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances--whatever they may be." 

He acknowledged that it can be difficult to be grateful for the things that are painful or difficult--but, he said, we can have gratitude IN all our circumstances.I can have miserable moments and feelings and still have a thankful heart. And that's ok.

As I look back at my journey this past year, there has not been a day--even days with tough moments and negative feelings--where I haven't felt an overall gratitude to God for His love and guidance. It was ok that I wasn't grateful for every moment, that I didn't love every second. I could have those not-so-happy experiences AND still be grateful. It wasn't an either or. 

That was a big moment for me. The guilt I felt for struggling with these moments and feelings left. There are some residual feelings there, especially as new pressures arise and new opportunities loom (or not loom), and that's all right.

Lastly, I realized that this will probably happen again--and that's ok. Good marriages are dotted with tough times. Parenting is riddled with challenging moments.Pretty much any worthy goal that requires effort to achieve will also bring on moments and feelings that might not be joyful-that might be downright awful. But that is the ebb and flow of life, the rhythm of growth. The reason we are here.

We aren't here to love every single moment of this life. But, we are here to develop the ability to have gratitude in our circumstances, whatever they may be. We are here to reach and grow, to extend ourselves and improve ourselves, to be more than we are today. That kind of reaching brings growing pains, from inside ourselves and out. With God's help, we can have the perspective to see through and beyond those moments and feelings, to the wonderful things He has in store.

So, have I loved every moment?

No. But, I am deeply grateful for my experience.

Do I look forward to the more painful moments and bad feelings?

No. But with perspective and God's help, I am ready for them, and I say, "Bring it on."

Now I'm off on another journey, another book, another amazing ride, and another set of difficult moments and feelings. 

And I'm gonna love (almost) every moment of it.

I Do Believe in Fairies. I do, I do!

When I was younger I had a very active imagination—like borderline therapy-active. During my third grade year, my friend Melanie and I were convinced we were actually long-lost daughters of Zeus. We spent our recesses running from small green nymphs on the playground fields, and at least once a week I would do a thorough sweep of my house searching for the secret door that would lead me home. Yes, I loved anything magical or imaginary.

**Spoiler Alert for all Tooth Fairy and Santa Believers. You might want to skip ahead a few paragraphs.** 

After my parents gave me ‘the talk’  (you know, the one where they tell you that the most exciting things in your life up that point had been all lies)  I still secretly believed in the Tooth Fairy and Santa Clause. I even had an imaginary friend named Fred. Yes, I still believed in all things magical.

Then I grew up and stopped believing.

But, something has happened in recent years that has caused me to open the doors of belief once again. No, it’s not the Tooth Fairy. The Tooth Fairy in my house is completely unreliable. I don’t know how many times I’ve *ahem* I mean the Wilson Tooth Fairy has had to sneak in a stupid quarter while I ‘searched’ for the money my poor children ‘must have missed’ under their pillow because they were still half asleep.  It’s not Santa, either. As much as I love the idea of a fat man breaking into my house to watch me in my sleep and give me stuff, I think I’ll pass.

.

The thing that got me believing in fairies again is dirt.

I don’t know how many times I have cleaned my house, only to turn around and find dirt on the floor. It’s in the crook of the baseboards, peeking out from under the fridge, on my carpet, and in my bathtub. I know I clean my house, and my children tell me they didn't do it. For years I racked my brain, pulled my hair out, and hollered at my totally innocent children. Then it finally hit me. It must be the Dirt Fairy. The realization rolled around in my brain and gave birth to a life-changing epiphany:

 Fairies are actually real!

As I let this once-again-found belief sink in, the possibilities and explanations to all other life’s mysteries opened wide up—and the answers all led to fairies. But not the sweet, beautiful fairies you'd imagine.

These are totally dysfunctional fairies.

Have you ever picked up a room, went in to the next room, only to come back into the just-cleaned room to find toys on the floor. Yep. That’s the Clutter Fairy.

Or perhaps you’ve always wondered how so many shoes end up piled by the front door in masses. You can thank the Shoe Fairy for that one. She is a devious one. She steals an occasional shoe and hides it under the bed, just to watch you suffer. She also feeds your best shoes and favorite slippers to the puppy when you’re not looking.

Then there’s the Sock Fairy. She’s the Shoe Fairy’s half cousin and a total kleptomaniac.

Who can forget the Random Jab Fairy? At first I thought my random aches and pains were due to my getting older; a strange pain in the side, an ache in my knees, and headaches a plenty. But know I know that the Random Jab Fairy follows me around during the day, randomly jabbing, smacking, poking and kicking me. Sadistic fairy.

The Money Fairy is nearly the worst. Somehow she messes with my bank account, lowering my balance and ordering stuff from Amazon and the iStore that no one seems to claim.

The list goes on and on. The Gas Fairy, who siphons gas from my van when I’m asleep, leaving just enough fumes for me to get to the store the next day, all while muttering, “I just put gas in the thing!”

The Cereal Fairy who opens up twelve boxes of cereal, rips the bag in the process,  lets the cereal get stale, and NEVER finishes it.

I can’t forget the Gray Hair Fairy, who is attempting to plant a silver meadow on my head. She’s buddies with the Sleep Like Crap Fairy—the one who gives me bad dreams, hot flashes, and makes me toss and turn at night.

I won’t even go into the Metabolism Fairy, who slows my metabolism to the pace of snail. I look at a cookie and my hips explode,  yet she revs my teenage son’s metabolism up so high he can jam a gallon of ice cream, five corn dogs, and a bag of chips into his 3% body-fat physique and still be hungry. Twisted, I tell you!

The Time Fairy is the worst. She speeds it up, slows it down, and steals it from me. 

The Memory Fairy has turned my steel-trap memory into a colander. 

And I mustn't forget the Laundry Fairy that puts my children’s clean clothes right back into the dirty clothes hamper so they won’t have to put them away (they love that one.)

Luckily, in my search for fairies I have found a few good ones who are trying to salvage their family name.

I owe many thanks to the Long-lost Five Dollar Bill in my Pocket Fairy. She’s paid for many an Oreo McFlurry.

Then there’s the Bargain Fairy, who stashes the rare perfect shirt among the chaos of Norstrom Rack, Marshall’s, and Ross for me to find.

And I need to acknowledge the very real Sample Lady Fairy at Costco who has kept me fed and staved off a number potential Costco panic attacks. She’s the best.

You may not believe in fairies. You might blame my children, or coincidence, or old age—whatever. That’s okay. But, for this forty-two year old woman, I am squeezing my eyes shut and whispering, “I do believe in fairies. I do, I do! I do believe in fairies. I do, I do!”

(And I’m secretly hoping that when I open my eyes, the Warm Brownies and Vanilla Ice Cream Fairy will have stopped by. She comes around. A lot.)

Has it Been Worth It?

Getting published by Deseret Book has definitely been an amazing roller coaster of experiences and emotions. In the past twelve months I've been higher than high, but I've also been lower than low. I mean, low.

I've felt the thrill of the pitch sessions, meetings, and the acceptance. I've had the pressure of deadlines. edits, and expectations. I've felt the fear of rejection and the doubt if I could write another book. I've had women tell me I've inspired them, and I've had one tell me I am a horrible person who needs therapy. That one hurt.

I've been exposed to all sorts of things that I never would if I hadn't written and published a book Most of them good, but some were just plain bad.

A week ago I asked myself if it was worth it.

A week ago I wasn't. I was tired from the promotional trips. I was frustrated at the business end of being published. I felt as though all of my efforts to 'extend my reach' had been in vain, and felt the pressure of meeting the high hopes of my publisher. I felt like I was failing.

Then I had an experience that changed my perspective. I spoke to a group of women at their evening church activity.

My down feelings, coupled with a ten-day long battle with a cold I was losing, caused me to not only doubt my ability to inspire these women, but be inspired myself. When it was my time to speak, I stood in front of these good women and said a silent prayer that I wouldn't tank it. Then I began.

I spoke about the power of perspective--how the way we see ourselves and life is often the problem. I spoke of the things that get in the way of our perspective, and how God's perspective is clear and true. I testified that when we learn to see ourselves, our trial, and life through God's eyes, we will be amazed at the reality of who we are and the purpose of it all. I shared stories and scriptures. They laughed (a lot), they cried, and in the end, they felt inspired and changed.

The beauty of it was that I did too. 

I felt refocused re-energized. My perspective shifted back again to what was important--the message I had to share and the God that I feel who wants me to share it.

God wants His daughters to know they are of worth, that they have great things to do (even though they may not seem that great at the time), that they are stronger than they realize, and are probably doing much better than they realize, too. I believe He wants them to realize the power they have to change their perspective, to conquer fear and doubt, and to be who He knows they can be. He wants them to laugh, to learn, to work, to seek Him, and to feel joy and love. 

As we catch glimpses of ourselves through His eyes, we will be empowered. That is the message I have to share, and that message is all that matters.

I came back to the reason I began to write in the first place. I want to share that message.

So, today I asked myself again if it has been worth it.

And the answer is and unequivocal, Yes.

I've heard it said that great people do great things. I'm not saying that I'm a great person, but I feel like I've worked really hard and accomplished something pretty great. But what made it great wasn't what it was, but the Why.

Sometimes we can set off to do something great and we meet opposition along the way. Most great things don't come easy. You may be pursuing something right now. You might  be discouraged, and you might even wonder if its worth it. In those times, take a moment to go back to the Why. Set aside the stress and fear and go back to the reason you started off with.


Why are you writing what you're writing, doing what you're doing, believing what you're believing. Why did you start down this path?

I bet you'll find that your Why really is worth it.

And if it is then keep going. Work at it, share it, do it, love it, and enjoy it. Because it's worth it.

Why do we care what other's think of us?

That's a tough question. I think, in part, it's because we sometimes have a hard time seeing ourselves so we rely on others to tell us what they see; kind of like taking a friend clothing shopping. 

**Side Story: About five years ago I came home from a shopping trip with some clothes I thought were fantastic. I did the obligatory fashion show for my good husband, who complimented each one, then gently suggested that perhaps next time it might be fun for me to take a friend. Turned out that my clothes were cute, but my style, like my dance moves, seemed to have been frozen in the nineties (yes, I can do The Elaine.)   Luckily I've been able to move past that--well, at least the clothes part.

The problem comes when we allow what others think--especially the wrong others--determine our worth in our own eyes. 

That was something I struggled with as a teenager. In 'Does This Insecurity Make Me Look Fat?' I explained that "I sold my identity for the compliments and criticism of others." And it was true. I would come home from middle school/high school and sit by my awesome rotary phone, waiting for it to ring. If it did, I felt great! If it didn't, I was sure it was because no one liked me because I was totally lame. 

I gave others the power to tell me what I was worth. The ironic thing that I grew to understand later was that they didn't really care. Not that they didn't care about me, but they didn't spend inordinate amounts of time considering my intrinsic value. They were just living their lives.

But I didn't know that then. I let what they thought--or more accurately, what I thought they thought of me, make me feel either good or bad. 

The difficult thing about that is that, for some crazy reason, it is so much easier for us to believe the bad things we hear than the good. So, for a long time I felt pretty bad about myself. 

Then I changed where I was looking.

As I grew older, I stopped looking around me and started looking above more. I began to really strengthen my relationship with God, and in turn, I began to see Him and myself differently. 

I began to see glimpses of how He sees me. And I wasn't lame. I'm still not. I know this because He told me. And He doesn't lie.

I've changed a lot over the years. So has my phone. And so has my view of myself. I know who He is and who I am. I like who I am. And I find great joy and confidence in that.  

But (and isn't there always a big but), sometimes I falter--especially when the threat of a CPS call is looming like at my daughter's Mother's Day Tea a few years ago. (I give a sum-up of the funny story in the video below. The full story is in my book.)

Luckily, those moments don't last, and I remind myself that no matter how bad I think I might appear in someone else's eyes, God know me. 

God knows who I am. He knows my intentions. He knows my weaknesses and shortcomings. He know my strengths and talents. He knows me.

And He thinks I am pretty amazing. 

So I choose believe Him. 

Because He can't lie. 

So, amazing it is.

Of course this doesn't apply only to me.

Are there times when you feel lame? Time when maybe you let  the opinions of others sink too deeply under your skin? Does it sometimes affect your sense of worth? You're not alone.We all do that (well, most of us, anyway. There are some that truly are impervious to anyone else's opinions-though they are few in number.)

The point is, when you feel that way, it's easy to start on the path of feeling better. Start by looking up to God. He knows you. He knows who are. He knows your intentions. He knows your weaknesses and shortcomings. He knows your strengths and talents. He knows you.

And He thinks you're pretty amazing.

So, choose to believe Him.

Because He can't lie.

So, amazing it is for you too. 

Paperback or ebook? That is the question (and the shameless plug)

With the increasing popularity of the ebook, coupled with its convenience and explosion of self-pulished authors, this question seems to be on the minds of many a reader: "Paperback or ebook?

I was a slow convert to the ebook--but a convert I am.

My Kindle and Deseret Bookshelf  libraries are growing and I often read my glowing books when I should be sleeping.

I throw my mini iPad in my purse and I know I've got a gaggle of great books to read while I'm waiting for the bus to drop off my kids, or in a waiting room, while my daughter has her piano lesson, or when I am actively avoiding housework ( I find myself reading a lot more these days...)

Still, there is something about holding a book in my hand . . . the smell, the texture. The sound of the pages turning. I love it. But not as much as I love writing in them.

I am a highlighting, note taking fool. If something jumps out at me, I have this compulsion to underline it or color it in some form or fashion. It seems to sink the words deeper into my heart and into my mind.

It makes the words mine--even if they are mine.

When I received my first box of 'Does This Insecurity Make Me Look Fat?' I snagged a copy for myself. Yes, I know, I wrote it. But, if I didn't love what is in the book, then why did I write in the first place?

So, I have my own copy that I read and, you guessed it, mark up. 

Though the words are mine, marking them feels like an 'Amen' of sorts.

But that's how it is with any book I read. I know it's a good book--even a fiction novel--if I've highlighted the nuggets of truth and wisdom, wit and wonder, that speak directly to me.

If your considering buying my ebook (shameless plug, but hey, it is my website) or have already downloaded your copy, I say WONDERFUL and THANK YOU! Stick me in your purse or read me instead of vacuuming. I'm a whole lot more fun!

But, I've just got to say, that there is something so . . . cool and connecting about a paper book that I hope you consider ordering  or picking up a copy for yourself today.

They aren't just my words, they are words I believe they are His, too.

So, pick it up. Mark it up. And make it yours.

Thank you Utah--Especially Kenna

Well, my first media tour was amazing!

I didn't throw up in my publicists car, so I call it a win!

(Do I look famous? Not!) 

Among the highlights:

An interview with Chelsea on the the Park City TV Mountain Morning Show.

A guest appearance on KSL's "People of Faith" with the great Carole Makita.

(To be aired in February) 

A fun guest spot on KUTV2 News at Noon with Ron Bird.

A guest appearance on "The Good Word" Podcast

I forgot to get a pic here :(

BUT

I have to say that the highlight of my trip was meeting Kenna.

 I ran into Kenna when I stopped by one of the Deseret Book stores to sign their stock books. She'd been reading my book at home and had no idea I would be coming into the store. It was a chance meeting that inspired both of us!  

I watched as she worked magic behind the counter with swiftness and a smile--a smile and demeanor that even  tamed an upset customer. 

In between customers we were able to chat while I signed books. She inspired me with her story and her strength. It didn't take me long to know for sure that  Kenna was, and is, amazing.

But it was her humble confidence that struck me.


She epitomizes what 'Does This Insecurity Make Me Look Fat?' is all about-- the beauty and joy that comes from the confidence in knowing who you are.

The confidence we gain as we see ourselves, our trials, our lives, and even each other through God's eyes, not only effects how we feel about ourselves, but it can have a direct impact on how others feel when they'er near us.

Her enthusiasm was contagious, and I found myself wanting to just hang out with her (which I did!) because just being near Kenna made me feel really, really good!

So, thank you Utah for a wonderful tour!

But especially, thank you Kenna, for being an amazing example of awesomeness and confidence! 

Real Moment in Time

There are certain moments in time that remain suspended in our minds as if they had just happened yesterday. Some of them tragic, like watching the twin towers fall.  Some are wonderful, like seeing the first man walk on the moon. Moments like these are memorable, not just because they change the world around us, but because of the change they create inside of us.

There are also those moments of change caused by things that are much closer to home. The moment you lost a loved one. Or the day you were married. Or the time you held your first child.

And then there are moments that aren't brought on by an external tragedy or joyous event. These moments aren't shared with the world, or perhaps even your family at the time. They are moments of realization and recognition, hope and understanding, or a decision that brings a very real change in yourself. And you know you will never be the same.

I had one of these moments last year. It was the moment I became a writer.

It wasn't in a workshop, or at a conference, or a book signing, or at my desk in front of my computer. It wasn't while listening to the encouragement of my husband, a friend, or a fellow writer. It wasn't when I finished the first draft of my soon-to-be rejected manuscript. And it wasn't when it was finally accepted.

It was before any of that.

It was while I was alone, swinging  on that middle swing, on a chilly, clear, fall night when, for the first time, I thought to myself, "I think I can really do this. I think I can write." And I believed myself.

That was the moment I changed. I shifted from a person that writes, to a writer. Everything that's happened afterwards has been wonderful, but nothing yet has been as dear to me as that one moment in time where I felt like I became real. Like the Veleveteen Rabbit. I was the Velveteen writer. And I was changed forever.

I wasn't changed because of the path my writing took me on. That certainly was the product of hard-work, a lot of luck, and even more divine intervention. I changed because I allowed myself to believe that I was something more than my doubts and fears had allowed me to believe. When I thought those words, that I really could be a writer, and I allowed myself to believe in those words--to have faith in and trust myself--that is when something settled inside of me and I felt it. 

I'll admit, it grates on my nerves when I hear people say, "All you have to do is believe in yourself and all your dreams come true." It's not true. Just because you want something, or even believe it will happen, doesn't' mean it will. Much of life is out of our control. We can be the finest artist, the best cook, or the funniest person in the world, but the world might never know it if circumstances out of our control don't allow.

But, what I do know is that when you allow yourself to believe in yourself, to trust have faith in yourself, and to trust yourself, even though the scenery of your life might not change, you will have changed.

Happiness doesn't lie in what happens to you, but in how you feel about yourself. I'm not just talking about self-esteem here. I'm talking about truly believing that you are capable of doing something. Whether or not it actually happens is different.  But you can know it about yourself, and that knowledge, that faith and belief in yourself, is what will bring you the greatest joy.

Belief is powerful.It makes things real. That's why, for me, the moment to believe I was a writer is so special to me. It stands out as a very real moment in time where I chose to believe in that part of myself, and it changed me forever.

The Wizard was Wrong

I love the Wizard of Oz. When I was young I wanted to be Dorothy. She was brave and adventurous- mostly because she had three guys doting over here. (Yes, I know- a scarecrow, tin man, and a lion aren't marriage material- but they loved her so.)

As much I love the story, I have one beef with the wizard. When the tin man wanted a heart, the wizard said, "A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others."

Even as a young girl, this ideology didn't sit well with me. I loved a lot of people. I simply loved love. But I wasn't loved by a large number of people.  So I doubted the worth and condition of my heart. And that led me to doubt myself.

Now that I am older, I am beginning to understand that a heart shouldn't be measured so much by how others feel about or perceive you. That is a classic case of misplaced power.  I believe that our heart can, and will, be measured by how, and how much, we love others.

To be loved by many isn't so much an indicator of the condition of your heart, but a bi-product of a good-hearted person who happens to have a large circle of influence.  Does that mean the heart of a good person who lives in a small circle of influence is any less loving and good? Of we delve deeper, we could probably point out a few very undesirable, even down-right bad people who seemed to be loved by the masses.  To be loved deeply by just a few is a great and noble thing, but that does not guarantee I am a good person, or that I have a good heart--just that I am surrounding myself with loving people.

We are told in the Bible that out of all things, including faith and hope, charity--which is pure love as Jesus Christ loves--is the greatest. We are commanded to love, not commanded to be loved.

I think I love more people than love me. I love my family (who love me back.) I love my neighbors, my friends, some acquaintances, and even some strangers. I even try to love my enemies (whom I know for sure don't love me.)

I'm pretty sure I do love more people than love me. Will my heart by judged negatively because of that? I don't think so.  My goal is to become like my Savior. He loved everyone. Still does. He wasn't loved by everyone. Still isn't. Some despised Him enough to kill Him.

He was not loved by all- but He loves all, perfectly.

That is how I want my heart to be. I don't want to focus on being loved. I want to be able to love fully.

Do I want to be loved? Of course! Don't we all. But, we cannot control how others feel about us. We can only control how choose to love.


Love is a choice. And it is that choice to love that our hearts will be judged by.

Make it Happen

I just got back from a Ladies Night Out at a local LDS church book store. It's an evening of food, music, and great vendors and discounts. I went to promote my upcoming book. You know. The one about insecurity.

So what did I do for the first forty minutes? I stood alone, in my corner, next to my little sign, while every single woman passed me by. 

After I while I decided to walk around for a bit, wondering if perhaps that would inspire someone to come up and exclaim, "Hey, you're that new up and coming author!" Nothing. Though, I did get an, "Excuse me, you're blocking the way," from one lovely soul. So, I returned to my corner of the store. Alone. 

Talk about a reason to feel insecure. Oh, the irony!

I looked at my little pile of promotional cards I had made, still untouched, next to my lovely little display, and tried to hide my bummness. I say bummness, because I wasn't sad. I was bummed. Really bummed. (Okay, maybe I was a little sad.) My first author event so wasn't going at all like I had envisioned. I felt like a total nerd.

Then I remembered a very simple principle. Successful people don't wait for things to happen. They make them happen. And I knew what I had to do. I took a deep breath, grabbed the stack of cards and introduced myself to the first woman in my path. "Hi. My name's Michelle. I am an author." And I am so glad I did! 

Speaking those words breathed life into me. The bummness left, and so did my alone time. From that time on I was walking and talking, laughing and sharing. It turned out to be a wonderful evening. I met funny women, strong women, quiet women, and so one. But, one thing they all had in common: as we chatted, they all confessed they had issues with insecurity. I wondered if there was every a woman that hadn't. I know I still struggle with some feelings of self-doubt--even after writing a book about it.

In fact, after I finished writing this book, I allowed a few seeds of doubt to grow too big, and I cried to my husband one day. "I feel so under-qualified to be an author--especially one that writes a book about confidence!" My good husband simply said, "It's your insecurity that qualifies you to write about it."

I had to laugh! There's a term in the writing world, "Write what you know."  Well, I have known all my life what it is like to feel insecure. Some days more than others. As I've grown in my testimony, those days of debilitating insecurity are gone, but there are some situations, like tonight, where I allowed a touch of insecurity to creep back in.

Self-doubt is a battle that most of us fight on a regular basis. The key word in that sentence is fight. Notice how it didn't say confident people don't wait for things to happen? I didn't wait for a burst of confidence to come before I gave out my first card. It was only after I made the move and said those words that the confidence settled in again. 

Confidence comes from many sources, one of them being the simple willingness to put yourself out there and try.

As you read this, there might be something you want to do, you hope to do, or are even in the middle of doing, but things are going like you planned. You might be doubting yourself, feel insecure. I wrote this post for you.

I not only hope you remember that phrase--Successful people don't wait for things to happen. They make them happen.-- but I hope it helps to do what you know you need to do. Get out of your corner. Make a move. Be bold. Own what you want and who you are. You'll find that when you do, a measure of confidence will follow. You will be glad you did.

Michelle

Oh- on a total awesome high-note, I was asked for my first autograph tonight. What?!?!  I know!

The Power of Sometimes

I registered for my first writer's conference February of this year. I was so excited! I also signed up for my first pitch session. I wanted my pitch to be perfect. So I did some research, a lot of research.

Then I got scared. What if I crash and burn? What if I make a fool of myself? What if I forget what my book is about and simply drool and stutter? What if I (gulp) get rejected?

All of these were major concerns of mine, so I turned to the internet for some relief.

I found some great hints and tips for the perfect pitch session, which I posted here. But I also found some really depressing statistics out there.

Most pitch sessions end in rejections, either on the spot, or after they receive (and maybe read) your work they requested.

"You'll never get a book deal through a pitch session,"  read many a writer's online lament, "but it's great for networking and practice."

"I've never picked up a book from a pitch session," wrote one agent, "but I continue to do them because someday I hope to."

I felt empowered by the tips and suggestions, but dejected still the same. Why would I pay $20 to get rejected? Didn't I get enough of that in high school? (Thank Kevin.)

But, I did it anyway. Even though the statistics were against me and I'd probably lose $20.

So, if pitch session hardly ever work, why even waste the money?

Because, sometimes they do work.

And I live for the sometimes.

'Does This Insecurity Make Me Look Fat?' was pitched at that pitch session. My very first pitch session. At my very first writer's conference. 

I don't think I'm anything special- but the stars aligned just the right way. It was the right book pitched to the right person at the right time. I don't know how it happened, but it did. Like magic.

I've had more pitch sessions since then for another book of mine, and so far each one has ended in a polite rejection. And I know that I will have many more end that way, too.  But, I'll keep pitching, and writing, and pitching, though they hardly ever work because....sometimes they do. 

So, if you're about to throw out the pitch sessions, don't.

Keep pitching, and writing, and pitching. Because sometimes it does. One of these days your book will the right one pitched to the right person at the right time - and it will work. Like Magic.

This Is It!

Have you ever had to hold your breath for a looooong time? So long you start to feel light-headed and dizzy? Isn't it wonderful when you can finally let it all out and breathe?

Well, that's how I feel right now.

I've been holding in some news for a while--and the time has come to let it out.

I am happy to announce that my women's inspirational non-fiction book called 'Does This Insecurity Make Me Look Fat?' will be released through Deseret Book on December 30th, 2013!

(You can pre-order your copy today by clicking the picture below!)

It is a humorous and touching book about abandoning self-doubt and embracing your divine potential. I have loved writing it, and I hope you will love reading it!

I'll keep you posted here as I share tiny bits and pieces of the book, book signings, blog tours, etc.

Thank you for your support thus far, and I hope you'll join continue to join me on this amazing adventure! Like, share, and eat some chocolate with me to celebrate!

Michelle

Life is Better When You're Laughing

I love a good laugh, perhaps even more than the next. It could be said that I love laughing too much. Most of my conversations are filled with jokes and witty (well, I'd like to think witty) come backs. I've always believed that life is better when you're laughing. 

I love to laugh and mess around--perhaps too much.

One day, at a writer's conference, a fairly new friend of mine asked what I was working on. I explained to her the idea of my current book--a light-hearted look at the power of perspective, but then went on to tell her I'd love to write books on the Atonement, or the House of Israel and its relationship to us, among a few other ideas.

Me and Tanya, my friend who thinks I'm not smart. Lol. I love her :) 

She seemed taken aback, and stared at me with an open mouth. Then conversation went something like this:

Me: "What's wrong?"

Her: "I didn't realize you were . . . smart." 

Me: "You didn't think I was smart?

Her: "No, I mean,well . . . You're always joking. I just didn't realize you were smart!"

How do you respond to something like that? You laugh! And that's what I did--what we both did!

My friend now knows I'm smart (at least that's what she tells me), but she's always known I love to laugh. 

Laughter truly is the best medicine. It's gotten me through tough times, and made the good times even sweeter.

I believe that God gave us the ability to laugh for our benefit. It's a holy mandate of sorts: "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine" (Proverbs 17:22). 

According to WebMD (my go-to site for medical questions. Don't laugh.), laughter helps the immune system, blood flow, sleep, and blood sugar levels. Here's another great article about the benefits of laughter. 

Bottom line, laughing is good for you, and it feels good!

So good that pretty much everyone laughs:

It is shared by all ages,

time,

color,

religion,

              

politic party,

culture, 

breed (sorry, couldn't resist!),

and me.

That's why, chances are, if you've attended a class I'be taught, a presentation I've given, or a something I've written, 9.9% of the time ( more like 99.9%)  you'll find humor. Laughter unlocks the heart and the mind to hear and accept truths and change. Laughter brings people together, and like I said before, it just feels good.



So, if you haven't laughed in a while, give me a call. We can have a good life together because, after all, life is better when you're laughing.

Learn, Do, Be

Learn, Do, Be.

I have an arsenal of favorite words and phrases. These three words that make this one phrase are at the top.

I like them because they are simple and empowering. It is the formula for becoming whatever you want to be.

Say you want to become more charitable. First, you LEARN what charity truly is. You study about it. You meet people who you feel are charitable, or have charity. Your thoughts will be filled with and directed towards the topic of charity. And we know that thoughts lead to action . . .

Then, you DO. You emulate what you've learned. You put your knowledge into action.

In time, your actions will become habit, and change and mold your character. We are what we think and what we do. You will BECOME charitable.



It's a great formula that can work for almost anything. That's the beauty of it!

When I first started writing, I wrote non-fiction. Then, a wonderful editor suggested I take a stab at fiction. I had never written it, but the idea of becoming a fiction writer intrigued me. So, the first thing I did was LEARN all about fiction. I read more books in my genre, I checked out every how-to book in the library and bought them online, I attended retreats and conferences, and talked to real fiction authors. I did all I could to learn the ins and outs.

I started to DO while I was still learning. I began to write a story. I let trusted people critique it. I edited. I pitched it. (I'm still editing and pitching it.)

Then, one day, I remember as clear as day, the moment I BECAME a writer. I was sitting on a swing, talking to my husband on the phone about what I was doing when, for the first time, I felt like a writer. I was a writer. I am am writer.


So, my question to you today is: What do you want to become?

Really. Think about it. What or who do you want to be? Kinder, tougher, optimistic, crafty? Think of what or who you want to be, then follow this formula and be.


Here's the fine print: Obviously if your dream is to be an astronaut, and you're a forty-seven year old man who is afraid of roller coasters . . . well, that probably isn't a realistic goal. So, be sure to choose your BE wisely and within reason. It is good to stretch your imagination- but don't kill it. :)

Life Outside the Writer's Closet

I remember when I came out of the writer's closet. It was scary.

I had been working on my first fiction novel for a couple years. I had kept my writing to myself, only letting a handful of people know what I was doing. I was afraid to tell people I was writing because, well, first of all, what made me think I had something so great to say that I thought other people should pay to read it? And, what if I were really bad? I mean, I thought I was okay, but, what if I was a bad writer? I loved writing, and I was afraid I would be told I simply shouldn't do it.

So I was a closet writer. It was safe. And then I attended a writer's retreat. It was there that I met other writers. Some were published, some weren't, but all shared this love of writing that I felt inside. It was eye-opening and liberating. I realized there was a world of people and things waiting outside of my closet.

Soon after I returned home, before I even finished the first draft, I decided to take the plunge- to come out of my writer's closet and announce to the world that "I am a writer."

It was scary because, well, as a closet writer if I failed I failed in private. Out there in the world, if I fail, I might (notice how I didn't say will) fail in front of lots of people. And no one wants to do that. But, among the many things I learned at the writer's retreat was without risk, there is little reward in the writing world. And part of the risk is putting yourself out there. So, I waited until I was filled up with chocolate, and in the middle of the night last year, I left the safety of my closet and entered the scary world of self-promotion and marketing, and created an 'Author Facebook Account' and started friending people.

And guess what. People didn't laugh at me. In fact, the tremendous amount of support I received from old friends gave me the courage to make new friends and put myself out there more.

I created an 'Author FB Fan Page' and an 'Author Twitter Account,' too.

I joined a wonderful online writer's group, and attended my first writer's conference in February of this year, then another in May. I survived pitch sessions, took classes, and met lots and lots of amazing people.

I created my own website (this one), and even printed up business cards to pass around.

I didn't just come out of my writer's closet; looking back, it seems more like I slammed the door open and jumped out of the closet with ninja-speed. It's been an amazing journey since my closet liberation! No, I'm not published (yet) but I am better educated, more confident, and having a blast.

Some writers I've met along the way dread the marketing thing--the FB pages and accounts, Twitter and websites. Yes, it can be intimidating and even overwhelming. But, it is necessary.

During one of the classes at my first writer's conference, a publisher said, "The first thing we do when we get an unsolicited manuscript--even before we read it--is Google the author. If we can't find you on Google, there's a good chance we won't read your manuscript."

What! I know, right?

That's not the only reason to get your and your name out there, though. Through this whole experience, I have met some amazing and inspiring people--many of whom have become dear friends. I came blasting out of the writer's closet, and my life is better for it. I'd like to think that I am better for it, too.

So, don't look at marketing and self-promotion as selling yourself to others--think of it was opening yourself to people and opportunities that lie beyond your closet door.

There is also something to be said in the power of self-declaration. "I am a writer." There, I said it (typed it, really. But you get the picture.) At first I was sheepish in saying it, almost apologetic. But now, I own it and I love it. That came from saying it over and over in all these different ways.

So, are you still in your writing closet? Does your family know you write? Your friends? Co-workers, acquaintances? If a publisher were to Google you, could he/she find you? Would you want to be found?

If you are ready to come out of the writing closet, I say, "Go for it!" Take the plunge. I'll be your FB friend, your Twitter follower, your supporter, and your fan.

Blast those doors open and see what people and opportunities await.