Change, Forgiveness, and Freedom - a Very Personal Post

Every single one of us have said or done something in our lives that we are not proud of, something we would take back if we could.

(This post was hard to write. Yes it's long, and very personal, but the message is close to my heart and too important to share. I hope you bear with me and read on.)

People change. I have changed.

None of us are the same as we were yesterday, five years ago, twenty years ago. Every day we change. Sometimes it is imperceptible, other times the change is drastic. But we all change. That will never change.

When I was in my late teens early twenties in many ways I was different than I am now. I was still fun-loving and outgoing, but different. I made different mistakes. Many of my choices were driven by insecurity, immaturity, and selfishness. Perhaps that is pretty typical of one that age. My intents were good for the most part, but there were times when I said or did things then that I would never do now. There are things I wish I could take back.  I wasn't a terrible person, by any means, just different. I've grown a lot. I've repented. I've learned. I've changed.

In my first book, "Does This Insecurity Make Me Look Fat?" I am quite open about some of my struggles of those years and their ramifications. It was a scary book to write. I still have struggles today, which I am equally as open about. That was even scarier to write. But I am able to be honest about all of my struggles due to the very fact that I have changed. I was and am imperfect, but I know Who makes me perfect. I have been forgiven. I have been changed. I know who I am now, and I like me very much.

I am who I am because of my Savior. Through Him I've had the opportunity to change. My Father in Heaven has forgiven me, the Spirit has touched me, and I have changed. That's the beautiful thing about Their perfect forgiveness--I learn, I grow, I change, and when I honestly repent, They remember my sins no more. They forgive and move on. They don't hold my past mistakes over my head. They see me as I am now, love who I am now, and glory in who They know I can be.  When I seek forgiveness, I am free to be me now, and not be held hostage by who I was or what I've done before. Their forgiveness frees me now and allows me the chance to keep on changing for good. It is such an empowering and liberating principal!

Most of us want that deep inside: to be forgiven, to be seen for who we really are and who we can become. Heavenly Father is always ready and willing to offer His forgiveness. The Savior, through His Atonement, has already paid the price for our mistakes. They are just waiting for us.

If only we understood what power forgiveness really holds! Their forgiveness frees us, and yet, do we offer our forgiveness so freely to others? Can we see past who they were to who they are today? Do we withhold forgiveness because we don't feel they deserve it? Can we forgive to free ourselves of grudges or pain, even if the other person isn't sorry? Can we let go of our misgivings and allow those that have hurt us to be forgiven, to move on, to learn, and to change?

Sometimes it takes great courage to forgive people, to let people change, to see them for who they are now rather than who they were before. But, we should try. First of all, it's pretty much a commandment (Matthew 18:22) but also because it frees not only them, but it frees us.

Let me share two very different, very personal, examples of what I mean. 

A few weeks after my book came out I received a call from an old friend of more than twenty years. We used to be very close, and I felt we still were. She was the kind of friend who, though we spoke every few years, I had felt a sisterhood connection with and a love that time hadn't diminished.

When I saw her name flash on the caller ID I excitedly picked up the phone and greeted her.  This was her response: "I am fine thank you. I am reading your book and I am not enjoying it at all." Then she proceeded to tell me I was a terrible person. She said I needed counseling, that I was messed up. She told me that there was no way I could write something like this when after what I had done to her. How could I, in good conscience, write a book about loving God, yourself, and others?

I was dumbfounded. We had emailed back and for just a couple months prior and ne'er a word was said about any issues or events. So, I inquired as to what I could have done to cause her such anger and grief.

There were three things: First, I had said something years ago that wasn't very positive about her to her husband, a then mutual friend, when they had first begun dating. Second, she was upset that she hadn't receive an invitation to my wedding twenty years ago. And third, she was upset that in 2010 she called to tell me she was pregnant. We were about to have family prayer, so I asked if I could call her back and I never did.

Still shocked, I tried to explain myself, firstly, about what I had said years ago. Whether or not it was true, and though my intentions were good at the time I had said it, it was something that should not have been said. I reminded her that this was something we had talked about at length in the past, something I had apologized for twenty years ago, and something she had forgiven me for twenty years ago. Still, I apologized again. I then apologized for her not getting an invitation. My mother had made the list and sent them out. I didn't play a part in that, nor did I pay attention to who was on the list. I simply didn't know she hadn't received one. As for the last one--I didn't ever remember that call. I am sure she did call, I'm sure I was happy for her, I'm sure I told her I'd call her back, and I'm sure I forgot. I'm also sure there was no ill intent. 

My explanations and apologies meant nothing. She was still mad, and had her mind set that I was simply a terrible person. She told her I had tried to ruin her marriage by my comment years ago (which was not true). She also told me she was sure I didn't call her back because I was jealous that she was pregnant again, and I couldn't have any children (I'd had a medically-necessary hysterectomy in 2001.). She said I had always been jealous of her, that I wanted to have her life and to be her, and that's why I didn't call. That last one particularly hurt, and proved that she really didn't know me very well now, or twenty years ago.

What she didn't know was that call came during the time we had just adopted our youngest child. The night-time routine then was long and hard. The transition was difficult for our daughter and for me. I spent many nights crying, wondering if I had the strength to be the kind of mother I needed to be to parent this beautiful, broken child. I wasn't jealous of my friend. I would have been happy for her. I was just struggling, exhausted, and focused on my own family at that time.

But she didn't want to hear that. She did want to hear about my twenty year old apology and her then-forgiveness, or that I had no idea she didn't receive an invitation twenty years ago, or that five years ago I was just keeping my head above water as I was trying to know how to parent my little girl. All she could see was who she thought I was in the past, and was convinced I was the same, that I hadn't changed. 

I spoke softly and calmly while my heart ached. She said she could never be friends with someone who could have done those things to her. She said I was a terrible person who didn't even know who she was now. I posed the idea that perhaps she didn't know me as well as she though she did now, either. I suggested we start anew, that the 'her-now' and the 'me-now' become friends. I told her that I loved her, and I didn't want to lose the friendship I had always valued. She said, "Your cute words sound nice but they don't mean anything, just like the nice words in your book. No thank you. I don't want a person like you in my life. You're toxic. I am going to finish your book however, even though I am not going to enjoy it." I told her I was sorry that she was not open to our friendship. She said she was even going to unfriend me on Facebook, so I shouldn't be surprised. Then she hung up.

It was a call I had no idea was coming. For years she had harbored these feelings. They had festered, tainting her ability to know me now. She was stuck in the past, and in a reality she had created herself. She was held hostage by her unwillingness to understand, to forgive, and let go. She was unwilling to believe I could change and grow after twenty years, and felt that I was undeserving of forgiveness. 

She is wrong.  

Still, I was shocked and hurt. No, I was devastated.  What brought me more sorrow was the fact that she was in more pain than I. She couldn't leave behind her negative feelings, and they festered until she was filled with bitterness and anger. She was in her own prison, and that made me so sad.

Contrast that with this next experience with two other people in my life, a friend and a roommate.

I had made a mistake once and was confronted by a friend in front of other people about it. Feeling ashamed, insecure, and embarrassed, I denied it. Not only did I lie, but I led her to believe that it wasn't me who had done it, that it might have been my roommate. I know, awful, right? That's exactly how I felt at the time. Insecure and awful. After the conversation nothing was ever said about it again by anyone. It just kind of melted away. We went about our lives and, as what happens to many over time, we fell out of touch.

I know it wasn't the right thing to do. I knew then. Though I never talked about it, it was still there, a heavy spot on my heart. So, years ago I spoke with the person I lied to and sought their forgiveness. They were so good and understanding and kind, They forgave me, understood me, and let it go. I felt so grateful, so good. They told me I need to apologize to my old roommate. I told them I would.  Then, as it happens, we lost touch again, and the promise faded into the background of my busy life.

One day, years later, my old roommate popped up in my Facebook news feed when a mutual FB friend commented on a post of hers. Like a rush of heat I remembered my promise. I knew I needed to apologize still, even after all this time. I was surprised and embarrassed I had forgotten the promise, and knew what I had to do. It took a few days to muster up the courage, but late one Sunday afternoon I reached out to her. 

I was so nervous. What if she was still upset? What if she hated me? What if she couldn't forgive me?

After our initial long-time-no-talk pleasantries, I dove into my apology. I told her what happened that day, how I apologized to our friend, and how sorry I was that I purposefully redirected possible blame her way so long ago. Then came silence....followed by laughter from her end; not unkind heckles, but a soft chuckle. She was never aware of what I had done. But that wasn't what made her laugh. She laughed because I still cared enough to apologize after all these years. Not that she thought it was funny, but she couldn't believe how sweet it was that I had still cared enough about it, about her, to apologize now. 

In a loving tone she forgave me, even though she said there was no need for forgiveness. That was a long time ago. We are both different people now. We had both changed. And nothing else needed to be remembered or spoken of again.

We talked for another hour about our lives now, our families, our accomplishments, our testimonies, and our interests. She told me multiple times how it was such a joyful surprise that we had connected again and I agreed. At the end of the call I expressed my gratitude for her understanding, forgiveness, and love. She laughed again and said, "I don't even know what you're talking about. You are wonderful, Michelle."

Do you see the difference? Both incidents were of friends that I had offended long ago. One wasn't willing to see that I had changed. She was unwilling to forgive and see me for who I am now. She was weighed down by anger and pain.

The other freely offered forgiveness and let go. She rejoiced in the fact that I had changed, that we both had changed, and that brought us closer together again. 

One was held hostage. The other offered freedom.

I know, it can be hard to let people change, to forgive. It's hard to acknowledge that someone who hurt you in the past could change and grow. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to let the past stay in the past, and to live in the now. I know it does.

I had a friend who hurt me a long time ago in a way that could be easily considered unforgivable. I have heard through a mutual friend that he is a loving father and husband now, active in his church, and is happy. He has changed. I could be mad, feel that he doesn't deserve happiness, that he was and always will be a terrible person. But that simply isn't true. I am so glad he has changed. I am grateful he has learned and grown. I am free of ill feelings towards him, and, through the power of my Savior's atonement and a lot of prayer, I see that he is a good man now and I am happy for him. He has changed, but I am free.

When I say we 'let' people change, what I really mean is that we acknowledge they can and have changed;  we 'let' ourselves see them as changed. It's hard to do when we want to hold onto our grudges, when the pain they cause runs deep. But, forgiveness isn't ours to keep to ourselves. The moment we ask God for forgiveness we give up the right (if it ever was one) to keep forgiveness to ourselves. When we ask God to help us learn and grow and change, we acknowledge that that is a gift He gives to all His children who sincerely seeks Him. 

Every single one of us have said or done something in our lives that we are not proud of, something we would take back if we could. Most of us are trying to become better people each day, to improve, learn, grow--to change. If only we could see each other as we really are now, untainted by our past mistakes, what would we see? Who would we see? How would we feel?

Yes, it's hard to let go of our perception of who people used to be, but when we do we free ourselves, and them, to love who they are now and to keep changing (hopefully) for good. It takes courage in some cases, but it is worth it. I am heartbroken by my good friend that refused to believe I could change. I am filled with relief and joy by my sweet friend who offered forgiveness and love for who I am today.

People change. I have changed. And I will strive to continue to change the rest of my life, for that is why I am here--to become better, to become more like my Savior.  I know what it feels like when forgiveness is withheld. I know what it feels like to withhold it. It is painful. I also know what it feels like to be forgiven and to forgive. It is liberating. And that, I think, is something that will never change.

As I was about to publish this post, a thought occurred to me. I've talked about letting others change, accepting who they are now and letting go of the past, but what of ourselves? I'll admit, when I remembered what I had done to my roommate so long ago I felt terrible. How could I have forgotten to reach out and apologize to her? Thoughts began to creep into my mind and the adversary, seeing a crack in my armor, fueled the flames of self-doubt. Questions about my integrity and worthiness whirled in my head, but only for a brief moment. I shared my concern with my good husband, who said, "Michelle, you made a mistake a long time ago. That doesn't mean you were a bad person then, and you are not a bad person now. Go and apologize. Let it out and let it go. Then be the person you know you are now." He was right. For a brief moment I let the past taint my own view of who I am today. Seeking forgiveness and letting go helped me to, once again, accept that I have changed for the better, and fed my desire to continue to do so.

I love the quote by Donald L. Hallstrom, "Who we are is not who we can become." We are meant to change, to progress, to improve. We are meant to be more than we are now. That doesn't mean we aren't good enough now. It's not a matter of being good or worthy of being loved. It's a matter of becoming like our Savior. Regardless of mistakes past and present, we have infinite value and worth. But, through Jesus Christ we have the privilege to progress. He gave His all--literally--so we could. Let's not get in His way, in other's way, in our way, of change.

Sometimes it takes even greater courage to see ourselves and others for who we are now, not a collection of mistakes we've all made in the past (because we have all made mistakes). It can be hard to forgive ourselves and others, to love ourselves and others. But, we must try. We need to try so we can be free. Free to love ourselves fully, free to forgive others--free to be all that we can be. Free to change. Free to forgive and be forgiven. Free to be free.

The Blows of Life

About twice a year my pantry gets a really good cleaning. I reorganize, consolidate, and eat (all part of the

 job) until it looks perfect.


Somehow I found three bags of opened flour. I decided to fit them all into a Christmas tin, but soon found out there was more flour than tin.

My first thought was so scoop off the extra flour and bake some cookies, but I thought it best to stick with the task at hand. So I set out to find a way to make the flour fit.

Then I remembered an old trick I was taught some time ago. I patted the sides of the canister. With each pat the flour inside settled a more. I beat the poor Christmas tin for a good five minutes until it all fit.

I sat back and admired my strong work when the realization of a spiritual correlation hit me: The blows of life are what it takes to settle us in faith.

In Colossians 1:23 Paul encourages us to "continue in faith, grounded and settled" in the hope of the gospel. 

Paul took more than his fair share of life's beatings--much of which were very literal. He survived stonings, beatings, ship wrecks, snack bites, isolation, prison, just to name a few. And yet, he understood that it is the blows which we receive in life that strengthen our faith, that settles us in our faith.

1 Peter 5 great advice is given to the flock of God. Among the list is to humble yourself, cast your cares upon Him, be sober and be vigilant because the adversary seeks to devour you (scary, but so true!). 

In verse 10 it says, "But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto His eternal glory by Jesus Christ, after that ye have suffered for a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you."

The first part of this verse that struck me was after ye have suffered for a while. Life can be really difficult. We can feel like we are getting beaten on all sides. Sometimes we feel sore and bruised, hurt and tired. And we wonder why God let's it happen to us. But, here's where the last, and most important part, comes in: it is the way the He makes you perfect  and how He settles you.

 If we come to Him, He will not only consecrate our afflictions for good, but He will make us perfect through them!

I love when I can fine purpose in my pain! No one likes to hurt! But, when we take a step back and realize that the blows of life can have an eternal positive effect on us, it begins to make sense. We find a way, with God's help, to take the blows and turn to Him. 

We are like little imperfect mortals tins that, if left alone, are unable to accept and hold all that He has for us. But, we with every trial we face and endure, more of Him is settled in us. Through adversity--or more accurately, our responses in that adversity--we become more than we could on our own. We can do more, be more, hold more than if we had lived a life free from affliction and pain.

He gives purpose to the blows of life, and turns them from negative trials into what they should be: the way to settle our faith in Him, and in ourselves.

Roller coasters Scare Me

The older I get I notice a few things: I make funny noises when I bend over, I say things like "Kids theses days," and I worry more about things I didn't used to.

I don't mind the first two. They are both rights of passage, in a sense. But, I worry about the last one (talk about irony!)

When I first met my husband I told him I wanted to sky dive. I really did. It was an exciting notion: to fly!

But, now, I remind him constantly to wear his seat belt and slow down when he drives over the speed limit.

I don't find joy in roller coasters as I used to, either. For some reason, I have it stuck in the back of my mind that if there is a chance something bad could happen, that I would be the one it happens to.

Terrible, isn't it?!

It's actually quite sad, too.

This middle-aged fear hasn't kept me from doing a lot of things, but it has definitely kept me from enjoying a lot thing. Now, I'm not riddled with fear, and afraid to leave the house, but I do find that I allow the 'what-ifs' to ruin many things I used to enjoy.

I was thinking about that this morning, and I realized something really powerful. Something that I already knew, but didn't seem to fully understand.

I often say, "Faith is a choice." But, this morning, the words came to my mind, "Fear is choice."

And, so, this morning, I decided not to be afraid anymore.

Yes, I know it will be much harder to do that do say, but the point it, it is my choice to try to make that happen.

2 Timothy 1:7 states: For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Fear is really the act of allowing the thoughts of what you do not want to have happen overtake the what is actually happening.

That's all it is.

When I am on a roller coaster, rather than enjoying the wind in my hair, the fun dips and turns, I have the image me flying off the rails because of a rare malfunction. I do not enjoy the ride. Not because it wasn't enjoyable, but because I am so focused on what I don't want to happen that I cannot enjoy what it actually happening.

It is the same with driving. I worry that others won't be as much attention as me and will cause an accident.


A person that allows themselves to be tainted by fear (yes, I said tainted) is also someone who values control. The more control we have, the less we think we have to fear.

This cycle of thinking is very damaging, especially when it comes to our own human relationships. We fear we will be dumped, so we dump them first. We fear we aren't worth being loved, so we don't allow people to love us. We fear our teenagers will make poor choices, so we force ourselves on them.

I see no good that comes from fear.

Yes, I hear you. You're saying, "But Michelle, isn't fear of snakes good? Doesn't fear keep you safe?"

God doesn't intent fear to keep us safe. That is why he gave us our minds: to think, to consider, to decide what is good for us. In verse 7 it says that God gave us a sound mind. He expects us to look at risks and consider them accordingly--and even to pass by certain things (and relationships) because it is clear the risk is too great. But He doesn't expect us to miss out in life because of fear.

The past few years I've really embraced doing things that scare me (playing church basketball), but I need to take it a step further. Beyond just doing things in spite of my fear, I need to enjoy them as well.

Last weekend I attended a Writer's Conference. While I was there, I met with and pitched two of my books to two publishers.

It was scary.

But I did it.

They both bit, and requested to see my work.  After a final push to ensure a quality submission, I put all the information together in two separate emails. . . then pushed 'SEND.'

I was so excited.

Then I got scared.

I then started wondering if I should have checked it just one more time. Then I started worrying I had forgotten something, or sent the wrong thing. Then I began to fret that they wouldn't like it.

This morning, as I checked my email to see if they'd responded yet (even though it takes weeks, even months, for them to reply) I realized what I was doing: I was letting fear ruin reality.

That's when I decided not to be afraid anymore.

Rather than be afraid that I'm not good enough, or that they won't like my work, I am choosing to have faith in myself and in God. I did my best, and if it doesn't work out, I'm sure God has another plan for me.

Faith feels much better than fear.

I am excited for this new freedom from fear. As I change my focus from the negative 'what-ifs' to the positive 'what-is' I know I will open myself up to more happiness and joy, and less stress and worrying.

It is not God's intention for us to live in fear. In fact, His Son, Jesus Christ, tells us to fear not, only believe.

If fear a thief of moments, joy, and possibility, then faith is the liberator.

This doesn't pertain only to things of a spiritual nature (religion, testimony, etc) but to all things in life--even roller coasters and relationships.

So, as of today, this very moment, I choose not to be afraid any more. And it feels good.

Stretchy-Stretch

I had this great idea the other day to strap on my shoes with my orthopedic inserts for my bad feet and run a couple miles outside.

I actually didn't feel too bad while I was running, but as soon as I stopped the pain started. My muscles began to yell at me- loudly. I'm pretty sure they said some bad words.

I've never been really good at stretching after exercise because, well, once I'm done exercising, then I'm done. I'm ready to move on. But, this day, I opted to try it.

So, I started doing this hamstring stretch:

 

(This is SO not me.  Imagine her plus about thirty more pound, a dozen rogue gray hairs and a grimace on her face.  That would be me.)


When I first leaned over I could only reach my ankles. And it hurt. I didn't like it. But, I was told that a stretch isn't a good stretch until you hold it for 30 seconds. So I did. And it still hurt.

Until something amazing happened.

At about 20 seconds into the stretch, I felt the strangest sensation of relief in my hamstrings, and it didn't hurt as much. Great! But weird.

With this new sense of relief, I attempted to reach over a little farther and touched my shoe laces. And it hurt. But, I held it.

Then something amazing happened.

At about 20 seconds into the stretch, I felt the same sense of relief in my hamstrings, and it didn't hurt as much.

Intrigued, I leaned in further- as far as I could go- and barely touched the edge of my toes. And it hurt. But, I held it.

Then something amazing happened.

At about 20 seconds into the stretch, I felt the same sense of relief in my hamstrings, and it didn't hurt as much.

Can you see the pattern?

After about five minutes of doing this, I could reach my fingers past my feet and wrap the around the sole of my shoe.

 Pretty cool, huh?!

My husband pops his head into the room. He's a much better athlete then me.I proudly show him my fingers touching the dirty soles of my shoes.

Me: Did you know that if I hold the stretch like this for a while it doesn't hurt as bad?

Him: Yes.

Me: Well, did you know that when I hold it long enough, then I feel this sense of release and I can stretch farther?

Him:  Yes.

Me (thinking I've tapped into some great physical anomaly): Is there a name for this?

Him. Yeah. Stretching.

Me: No, I mean, is there a name for the sensation you feel when your muscles are stretched to the limit, and you hold it, then you feel relief, the you can stretch even farther?!

Him: Stretchy stretch?

His answer made me chuckle, but it also made me think life.

Sometimes in life we go through trials that hurt. They really do.

Some hurt so bad that we just want to quit. And sometimes we do.

But, here is the great spiritual anomaly I tapped into, that really isn't an anomaly at all:

When we hang on during those times - through our faith, prayers, study, the help of others, and maybe even some tears - God can give us a sense of release, or relief during our trials.

We can find relief from our pain through Him in the middle of our trials.

Oh wait. It gets better.

Along we don't only feel a sense of relief and maybe even peace amidst our trials, but as we hold steady in our stretch- in our faith and testimony - we can gain strength and the flexibility to do more.

We can stretch more. We can fight more. We can run more. We can survive more. We can do more.

We can be more that we imagined when the trial (spiritual stretching)  first began!

It is a spiritual stretchy-stretch!


I think sometimes we get tired under the burdens of our afflictions. Many people ask Why? Why must we go through difficult times like this? Why did this happen to me? I don't want this trial. I don't want to hurt.

The truth of it is this:

  Trials can hurt. But they stretch us. And it is only through stretching our spiritual muscles (enduring in faith and hope) that we can achieve greater things. 

The key is to trust in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They knew we are going to hurt. They know it can be for our benefit. And they are there to help assuage any unnecessary pain.


Joel 2:32: "...whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be delivered..."

11:28 the Savior Himself says: "Come unto me, all ye that labour, and are heavy lade, and I will give you rest..."


If any man was stretched- it was Paul, and yet, he said this:

Phillippians 4:13: "I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me."


He understood what the Savior was saying.

Now, I'm not as strong as Paul yet. I don't "glory in tribulations" (Romans 5:3), but what I do know what it feels like to be stretched so thin you can see through yourself to the other side. It's a scary place to be.

But I can tell you that it is not a permanent place, either. It is part of the stretchy-stretch that will make us like Paul, if we just hang in there.

In  Acts 14:22 Paul speaks of his great mission, where he taught this principle. He went about "...exhorting them to continue in the faith, and that we must through much tribulation enter into the kingdom of God."


Much tribulation = major stretchy stretch.


But, in the end (and even in the middle) it will be worth it.

God is aware. He knows our pain. He also knows stretching is the only way. Have faith in Him that relief, strength, growth, and even blessings will come. Because they will.

Believing is Feeling

This year, inspired by our favorite Christmas movie, Elf, I decided to decorate our house with paper snowflakes and chains. We made nearly a hundred snowflakes and dozens of feet of chains, then hung them from the ceiling with clear tape.

That blur is my daughter unsuccessfully 

 It was a lot of fun - until it came time to take them down.  It took me and all three of my kids to get them all down - not fun.

At the very end, my youngest pointed out some tape in the ceiling.

I glanced at the ceiling  and didn't see it.

So, I told her it wasn't there.

"Yes it is," she said.

I looked from another angle and still didn't see it. I told her again, it wasn't there.

"Yes it is," she insisted.

So, I climbed on a chair for closer inspection. I still didn't see it.  I told her I was right, that there was no tape there.

She pointed to the spot and said, "You're not looking at it right."

I cocked my head, and squinted my eyes. Nothing. So, I reached out and ran my finger over the spot she was pointing at, eager to prove the persistent child wrong, and sure enough, I felt the smooth back of a small piece of tape.

I felt it, but I couldn't see it. And I only believed it after I felt it.

I pulled it off and handed it to my daughter. "Told you," she grinned.

Yes she did.


You've heard the saying, "Seeing isn't believing, believing is seeing." I submit that it is just as equally powerful to say, "Seeing isn't believing, believing is feeling."




Our faith- our testimony- is made up by things we cannot see, but things we can feel.

Why is that?

I've thought a lot about this question, and I've reached my own conclusion.

You and I can look at the same thing, and argue over what we both see. I say the color is Cinnamon, but you say it is Burnt Red. I say a zebra is black with white stripes, and you say its white with black stripes. Mankind can argue and justify most any point of doctrine, and analyze and define most anything we see.

God gave us the Bible, and yet, how many religions interpret it differently.

If you're anything like me, I can think about something so long that I can end up thinking myself in a circle, going from one side or the other.

The answer isn't always in what we see.  But what we feel.

There is something deep and personal in the feeling of something.

I know that I feel good when I pray. No one can argue with that.

What I feel belongs to me. No one can change that, or tell me I am wrong.

When I am sitting in church, and I sing a hymn about Jesus Christ, I feel the Spirit testify that He is real. No one can tell me I felt something different, or I am wrong. I know what I feel.

This makes my testimony mine, my faith untouchable.

I've also heard it said that Spiritual things are learned by spiritual means.  God speaks to us through the Holy Ghost. He speaks to our hearts.

Minds can understand and justify, but hearts can internalize and believe.

God has given us so many things that teach us and point us towards Him: the scriptures, prophets, commandments, etc.  These things are important, and even necessary for our salvation. But, it is in the quiet chambers of our hearts - what we feel - that harbors our faith and our testimony. It is here that the Holy Ghost can testify of the truthfulness of the scriptures, prophets, commandments, etc.

It is in your heart that we come to know the truth of things - because we feel them.

For me, that is where my faith and testimony lie- in my heart, born from things that I have felt.

When I pray, I feel His presence.

When I serve, I feel His gratitude.

When I obey, I feel His satisfaction.

When I come to Him, I feel His welcoming arms.

When I am sad, I feel His comfort.

When I am weak, I feel His strength.

When I am lost, I feel His guidance.

When I make a mistake, I feel His forgiveness.

When I read the scriptures, I feel the truthfulness of His words.

When I worship Him, I feel humbled.

When I follow Him, I feel safe.

When I progress, I feel His joy.

And when I tell Him I love Him, I feel His love in return.

No one can argue with what I feel. I feel it. I believe it. I know it- even if I can't see it.

My Worst Nightmare at a Writer's Retreat

This past weekend I attend my very first Writer's Retreat. I have never felt closer to feeling bi-polar in my life that while there.  I went from HIGH to LOW so many times during this retreat that I had to take some Dramamine for motion sickness!

When I arrived I was giddy with excitement  I was at a conference with REAL writers!Little me, who blogs and is trying to write a book in the wee hours of the morning and night, and breaking break (literally, we had really good wheat rolls at dinner) with real-live authors. (HIGH)

I went from giddy to the other side of the spectrum where terror lies- I signed up for my first critique group. That's where you stand in front of a group of strangers, naked, under a bright spotlight, and they use long sticks to point every flaw.  (Can you imagine?!)

Okay- I might be a little dramatic. I really wasn't naked. I wore a pair of blue jeans and a sweatshirt. But, that's what I FELT like. What actually happens is that you take five pages of your writing and read it to the group out loud while they mark up all your mistakes on their own copies of your work.

At that moment, however, I might have opted the naked route.  (No, no, I wouldn't.)

For me, writing is who I am. It's me. It's my best efforts. These are my words, my thoughts. My writing is shows the very person I am.  And to be that fully exposed,  magnified and dissected by other writers, well, it was truly terrifying.

I hadn't spoken to the other four women in my group before, other than an introduction before. They sat around the table smiling sweetly at me. I assumed that was part of the ritual - to lull the victim into a sense of peace before you rip them to shreds.

I smiled back, grateful I was the one seated closest to the door.

One writer bravely went first. Her story flowed with imagination and character. And yet, there were a few flaws, just a few places where she could improve.

The smiles stayed while they (including me) offered our thoughts about the positives and negatives.

It was the first time I had ever critiqued someone else's work. It felt....strange.

Then it was my turn.

I read the first five pages of my manuscript. If only the sweet ladies knew how terrified I was. But, I put on my brave face and read.

I didn't get past the first line when the PUBLISHED writer, Christine,  across from me whipped her pen out and started marking up my page.

I knew it. I knew I was a terrible writer. (LOW)

As I read, the group laughed out loud at the right place (HIGH) and gasped in the right place (HIGHER), but the pens kept flying (back to LOW)

I bravely finished reading and set my papers down, ready for the dream-killers to tell me what I have feared all these years: that I am a terrible writer. (REALLY LOW)

To my surprise, they offered words of praise and encouragement!   They thought I had some talent, and really enjoyed by writing. WHA? You mean, they think I am a good writer? (HIGH) They gave some suggestions to my writing, but frankly, by this point, I was so happy inside I didn't care. I exposed all (another google hit for that one) and was found to have talent.   (HIGH HIGH HIGH!)

The rest of the day was amazing. The classes, the women, the food. I was loving it! I even entered into a flash-fiction contest, where they give you a prompt and you have to write a short story of 300 words incorporating that prompt. Being such a talented writer, I was bound to win, right?

The next morning the winners were posted. I giddily skipped up the wall to read my name. The winner was the aforementioned Christine. Another women got second, then three other women tied for third.

I didn't even make the top five.  (LOW)

Yes, this was proof that the dream was over. I was actually a bad writer: untalented, unskilled and worst of all, embarrassingly over-confident. (LOW LOW)


By the time I got home I was exhausted! Doing emotional calisthenics for three days drained me, and I took a two-hour nap.

I woke up with a fresher, more realistic perspective of  my experience and an imperative realization:  The reason my emotional roller-coaster was so bumpy was because I let others set the track- others who had no idea I had allowed them to.

I was so insecure about my ability (or feared inability), that I looked to them to tell me if I had talent or not.  I looked to them to define my level of talent, and, in part, my worth as a writer.  I analyzed and interpreted their reactions and situations as either personal endorsements or indictments. One moment I was a good writer, and the next I wasn't, depending on what was happening around me.

I need to lay my own tracks- to allow myself to feel that I have some talent and ability, while recognizing - and even embracing - the need for growth.

That was probably the greatest lesson I learned from the retreat. Peace comes from knowing who you are, and what you can become. No other person can truly tell you that. They may have opinions, and some of them might even be right. But only God knows your true potential and worth.

And the beauty of that is that He doesn't keep it a secret. He is more than happy to share what He knows with me.

The sweetest moment I had at the retreat, as I look back, was during a group lecture. The speaker, Heather, quoted a man that spoke about women writer's in the latter day (these days) and that they would, in essence, be a power for good. When she read that, I felt a wave of warmth fill ripple from my head to my feet. I tingled all over.

I knew it was God's way of telling me that that quote would be true for me. Somehow, in some way, He is using me as a power for good.  I was where He wanted me to be, doing what He wanted to me do.

God, Himself, told me over the weekend that He loves me and loves what I am doing.

How can I want more than that?


So, now I move forward, and maintain a steady level of joy, confidence and peace in my writing. I won't compare myself to others- because no on is like me. I will continue seek to learn, and to improve, without the self-condemnation of failure- -because the key to happiness is growth.

And most importantly, I will continually remind myself (because I will probably forget again) that my worth cannot be measured by comments or comparison, but by the One who made me. He sees under all my layers of pride and insecurity. He sees every flaw, every weakness and every fault. But, He is also the only one who can see clearly all my strengths, my talents and my potential.

And He thinks I am a good writer.

So, I'm gonna take that and run with it.....

He told me again...

Sometimes the simplest of words bring the greatest joy.

I have no profound insights, no allegories or metaphors.

I just wanted to say that I love God.

And, I know that He loves me.

I know that because I've asked Him.  He's told me many times before, but this morning, while I was alone, I asked Him again.

And He told me again.

He hears me.

He loves me.

He knows me.

He watches me.

He blesses me.

He hopes for me.

He loves me.

And He loves you, too.

My Husband - My Hero

I made the worst dinner tonight. It was supposed to be a delicious all-in-one hamburger bake. You take the beef patty, frozen veggies and potato wedges; season and bake in tin-foil tents.

I followed the directions to the T. Then called everyone down for dinner.

Imagine, 4 hungry kids (my three plus one) and husband, bow our heads for dinner prayer, the eagerly open the tin-foil pouched to reveal.....a grody mess of still cold veggies, soggy potatoes and meat.

So sad.

I sent them all away as I tried to resurrect dinner.

A half hour later, we sat around the table and ate 'mini meatloafs' (the patties with ketchup on them) mashed potatoes and a salad.

I've got to pat myself on the back for that.  It was a pretty ingenious save and a hit with the kids.

But- that's not what this post was about.  I just have some weird genetic disposition to expose embarrassing things about myself online.  Wait- that didn't sound right.

Anyway- this post is about how my husband is my hero- literally.

After my near-grody dinner I decided to go for a bike ride on the trail near our home. My husband came with me.  We left a little before 8pm. I told the kids we'd be back by 9.

We drove to the trail and started our right. Half way into it the sun began to set. Even with light in the sky, much of the trail is under trees, so the trail quickly grew dark. I was fine at first, but as it grew darker it became more difficult to see.

I had ridden this trail many times by myself- but always in the light. Once the light disappeared, I got nervous. I had been riding in front much of the ride home, setting a pace I was comfortable with. But as it grew darker, I became more nervous.  There was a lot of debris on the trail, and small animals tend to pop out at night.

I put on my brave face and kept riding, wanting to, at this point, ride fast and just get back to the truck.

Then my husband rode past me and pulled in front of me.  His white t-shirt became the beacon to follow.

You'll have to excuse the quality of my picture. I was riding fast up a hill and took this with my phone as I was praying I wouldn't drop it!

He maneuvered past poles, hollering out warnings. He even scared of a large cat, which I'm pretty sure was a bobcat.

I watched him ride in front of me, knowing he probably didn't think anything of it- he was just riding. But for me, I loved the fact that he pulled in front of me. He gave me a light to follow, a voice of warning to heed, a protector from poles and potential bobcats.

As I rode behind my husband I thought of how much my Heavenly Father loves me. In my life there have been many times where I feel I'm riding along, doing great, seeing things in a clear light, feeling strong.

Then, trials come, and things get dark.

At those times, He has always sent someone there to lead and guide me.

My Savior is the first and foremost on that list. He is the beacon in the dark, the giver of all good, my Redeemer and friend.

He has also given me a living prophet to show me the way.

Beyond these, he has given me the promptings of the Holy Ghost to help me see potential dangers as I strive to stay on the path towards God.

He gave me good parents who, during times of teenage angst and trial, lit my way to self-confidence, testimony and success.

He gave me good friends and church leaders along the way as well.

He has given me good children that lead by example of faith and forgiveness.

And He has given me my husband, who leads me by his love for and commitment to the Savior.


How grateful I am for the times if light where I can see the road clearly. But, how more grateful I am for those that He put in my path to help me find my way when I can't see.

When Pain Trumps the Pain

I've got a friend who recently had shoulder surgery and wrist surgery on the same day. I was able to visit with her just yesterday and inquired about her recovery.

She shared how the shoulder has mobility, but still is quite painful.  Lifting is difficult, but a necessary part of mothering a young child.  

When I asked her about her wrist she said something that was interesting.  She said that before the procedure the surgeons explained that, even though wrist surgery is painful, the pain is trumped by the shoulder pain and she most likely would not notice it as much.  

She happily told me it was true.  As bad as the pain from her shoulder was, it had drawn nearly all the attention away from her wrist.  It was a blessing in disguise.

I thought about that concept in a spiritual sense. Afflictions aren't a lone breed.  They usually come in pairs, or even packs.  When when ball drops, so does the next.  When a domino falls, it knocks down the others. 

Sometimes we are so bombarded by trials that we just feel pain.

But, maybe that is wisdom in God's plan.  Part of the purpose of life is be tested and tried.  Salvation has a cost, and it isn't cheap.  If we experienced each affliction, each trial, each pain or discomfort in a string of individual experiences, our lives would probably be filled with a never-ending stream of troubles, problems, adversity and pain. Each individual trial would receive our full attention, and we would experience all the pain and frustration associated with it.

But, God in His infinite wisdom, has taken that string of trials and combined and spaced them into clusters of manageable afflictions. (When I say manageable, I mean that we will never be given more than we can handle.)

As we experience multiple difficulties, the harder, more painful ones, trump the lesser ones.  We can experience them and endure them without the full affect of their pain, and yet still be beneficiaries of the blessings that come from enduring them in faith.

Not that I'm a big fan of pile-up trials   - or any trials for that matter.  But the trials in this life are what allow us the opportunity to learn and grow, to stretch and choose who we will be.

I've had a few in my life- but as I look back at those times, I can see that this principle rings true- at least in my life.  As I am going through something big, smaller trials pop up the seem unimportant, even trivial in comparison. But, if I would have experienced them alone, they might have caused me a great deal of discomfort, even pain.

One of the greatest blessings of these cluster trials is the sweet relief when the healing begins and the trials and pain lessons, and the lessons and blessings of peace and growth take their place.  We have more spiritual strength and mobility, and we are better for the wear.

It just goes to show that, truly, we can see God and His wisdom in nearly every aspect of our lives.  Even a shoulder/wrist surgery.  I'm grateful to my friend for inviting me into her home, sharing a fun afternoon and giving me such great food for thought.

Come What May and Love It

A few years ago a beloved leader of my church shared some inspiring words his mother told him when times were tough.  She said, "Come what may, and love it."

I've thought a lot about that lately. Things don't always turn out like we planned, and life is full of difficulties. Our minds know that is part of the process of growth.  We know the purpose of this life is to reach our potential and be like our Savior.

We cannot think that we can become like Him unless we pass through our own furnace of adversity.

So, how do we make it through the tough times, when our minds know but our hearts might fail? How do we say to ourselves, "Come what may, and love it?"

Elder Wirthland puts it far better than I ever could.

He teaches that "the way we react in adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be."

The four keys he shares to doing this are:

1. Learn to laugh. It will extend your life, and theirs.

2. Seek for the eternal.  Difficult times are "on the job training" which stretches our understanding, builds our character, and increases our compassion for others.

3. Understand the principle of compensation. "That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way." "Every tear today will eventually be returned a hundred fold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

4. Trust in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They want us to be happy and be successful.  

"The simple secret is this: Put your trust in the Lord, do your best and leave the rest to Him."

Thank you Elder Wirthlin. 

$3.51 Well Spent

Guess what I'm doing right now.

I'm looking at my Samsung monitor's beautiful, clear picture.

Guess why that's a big deal.

Because three weeks ago my monitor started to die.

It began with a momentary flicker before showing a clear picture when I turned on my computer. Then, each time I turned it on it would flicker on and off  and on and off longer and longer, until last week the picture never came- only the flicker.

It would cost $200 dollars to replace. Not cool.

So, after a bit of sulking, I decided to take matters into my own hands.  I did some research and found a number of message boards with people who had the same problems.  Turns out it was bad capacitors.

So above my pay scale.

I am not a techy person.  When I was younger I would slice the phone lines, and I am the one in our home who hooks up the TV/cable/DVD wires, etc, but I have never taken anything apart. But the thought of not spending $200 for another monitor compelled me to continue.

I did more research, and last Friday night I spent an hour taking my monitor apart, down to the circuit boards and found that, indeed, I had 4 bad capacitors. I found a reputable company online and ordered 4 new ones: $3.51 including shipping.

Got 'em in the mail today.

I spent two more hours pulling out the bad capacitors and putting in the new ones (had a bit of technical trouble and person epiphany- I don't deal well when things don't go my way.)  I didn't have a soldering tool- I don't even know what one looks like.  But, I know it's a hot thing, so I plugged in my curling iron and used the tip to solder (I guess that's what it's called) the capacitors onto the circuit board.

I reassembled my monitor and held my breath as I turned it on.

Viola!  No flickering!  A beautiful picture!

I was so excited I called my husband in, who responded with the appropriate awe and praise.  The most I could get from my teenage son, however, was a monotone "cool."  But, I interpreted that to mean, "Oh, Mom, you are SO amazing!  I hope I marry someone half as cool as you!"  I takes less effort to shorten that all into one word: cool- but I knew that's what he meant.

I'm not telling you all this to toot my own horn (ok- maybe just a little.)  But, there is a principle in it that I love:  We are capable of doing so much more than we realize- if we only try.

Let me say that again: WE ARE CAPABLE OF DOING SO MUCH MORE THAN WE REALIZE- IF WE ONLY TRY.

If you would have told me at the first flicker that I would be the one to fix my monitor, I would have scoffed.  But, yep- I totally did it!

The principle of doing great things doesn't stop at monitors.  It is an eternal principle.  We are told by Paul that with God all things are possible.  Perhaps God wasn't too concerned with my monitor, but he knew that my family could have used that $200 for something else, and I was prayerful as I tried to fix it.

I don't think we give ourselves enough credit.  I have a brother who is so smart, and has such good things to say, but he doesn't want to start a blog or write because he isn't sure how to do it, or if he even could.  So, without trying he just doesn't.

I have another friend who is so crafty and wants to start her own business, but isn't sure if she is capable of doing it. So she doesn't.

There have been many things in my life that I have been unsure of- and even more that I was sure I couldn't do, so I didn't do them.

But, not this day.  I fixed my monitor.  I didn't think I could, but I totally did.  I'm looking at it right now, and it's cool!

I guess my monitor isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but the principle is: I am capable of doing so much more than I realize- if I only try. And from now on, I'm going to be trying a lot more.

That's $3.51 well-spent.

The Moment of Truth

I write a lot on my blog about the power that we have withing ourselves to make the right choice.  I write often of faith, strength, perspective and enduring.

Those are all easy things to write about when the sea is calm.  But what about when the storm comes? Is it as easy to say, "Thy will be done?" or "The Lord qualifies those He calls" when the the sea is no longer still?

One day, not too long ago, a storm came into my life.  A big one. All the things that I knew were put to the test: God's will is the best for me; He will give me the strength to do hard things; I can be happy in the middle of struggles; I willingly carry my cross because that is how I become like my Savior.

In the first moments I faltered.  The realization of the terrible storm brought tears of frustration, anger and even resentment. I didn't not want this trial.  I did not sign up for it.  I did not think I could endure it. It was too much to ask.  Can He make it go away?

The moments turned to hours. The tears came and went, then came again. The doubts, frustrations and anger went sent through prayer to heaven with no answer in return.

Then, soon after I had the chance to hear the answer given to me through my good husband: This is our burden to bear, our load to carry. And we are asked to carry it because we can, and we will.  Heavenly Father will give us the knowledge, the patience and the understanding we need to get through it.  There is wisdom in all things- even the painful ones.

I hated that he was right, so I cried a little more. I wanted to fight, I wasn't willing to accept just yet.

Then he bought me chocolate cookies and I stopped crying.

He reminded me of something I would often say, "Just because life is easy doesn't mean it's good, and just because life is hard doesn't mean it's bad." He smiled and said, "We can do hard things, Michelle.  And we can do this."

Then came the moment of truth: the moment where I had to make a choice: The moment I decided how I will respond to the storm.  Will I continue to scream at the wind and the waves as they thrash me about? Or will I put on the protective gear and do my best to steer the boat through the storm? Do I let anger, resentment and frustration take control? Or do I make the choice to believe and do?

In that moment I chose to stop yelling at the waves, and to steer the boat.  Almost immediately I began to feel a little better, a little lighter and a little hopeful.

He bought me a chocolate shake and I began to smile.

I am still in the middle of the storm.  The waves are so tall that I cannot seem to see past them. My boat has been rocked and I feel seasick. I have done an inventory of my abilities and found that I am seemingly unqualified to steer the boat.  But, I know who can see the entire sea, and He is telling me things will be alright.  I choose to believe Him (and my husband.)

And, for the first time, even in the middle of the storm, I feel peace.

Turning it Over To Him

The worst feeling in the world is the feeling of helplessness. I find great peace and strength in my power to choose the direction of my life and the people in it. But, when things beyond my control rob me of that power, and I realize there are certain things that I have no say in, I feel helpless.

As I study the situation out in my mind, I see no amount of change that I have control over. The outcome is not up to me, no matter the depths of my desire.

It is a precarious place to be. How helpless, how frustrating, how angry I can feel if I let myself. It is challenging, letting go of the desire to control, and the anger I feel because that control has been taken. Anger is so easy, and sometimes even empowering and in a strange way, comforting. It means there is someone or something else to blame.

When I have done all I can (which isn't much) I have only one thing left to do: turn it over to God. If anyone is capable of helping, it is Him. If anyone is qualified to understand, it is Him. If anyone can make a difference it is Him.

I may not be able to control the situation, but I can control how I respond and who I will become.

So, I turn it over to Him: the feelings of helplessness, anger, frustration and fear. I ask for strength, understanding, love and acceptance. It is hard to give up that final degree of control to Him. But I have. Now all that is left to do is pray and accept the outcome. Easier said than done- but I will try nonetheless.

So, I turn it over to Him.

I realize I cannot control the situation, or even how I feel, but I can control how I respond. I can control who I become through the helplessness. So, that is what I will do. I will hand it over to Him. That act of faith is just that: an act, a motion, a choice. It means I am not truly helpless. It means I change from being powerless to faithful, hopeless to cautiously optimistic, angry to open. It means even without the ability to control or influence the situation, I have learned I have complete control over me.

So, I turn it over to Him with faith and gratitude (and perhaps a short list of "okay, I know You are in charge but is is what I would like to see happen if you can swing it.") and pray for the strength and ability to accept the outcome, come what may.

It's Hard to Find Good Help These Days

It was my junior year.  Prom.  I asked Kevin to be my date.  He said no, that he was going to ask Cynthia.  I found out the day of the prom that he asked her and she said no. He decided if he couldn't go with her, he would not go at all. Not only was I not his first choice, but I wasn't his second or third. I wasn't even a choice!  He would rather NOT go to the dance than go with me. I was crushed and humiliated.

So, I did what any teenage girl would do under that circumstance: I cried.  I cried and cried and cried.  I felt embarrassed  I felt sorry for myself, I felt angry, I felt hurt.  And I felt them all very loudly.

My older brother, Jim(the not-sensitive one), came into my room (I left my door open, just in case anyone heard and wanted to come give me some attention- even though I denied it) to see what the commotion was all about.  I looked up at him through swollen, wet eyes.  He just stood there, staring.  After a few seconds, he simply said, "Hmmmm."  Then he turned around and left!  Now I was rejected by my brother, too!  My cries grew louder and more pitiful.

A few moments later, my oldest brother, Bob (the sensitive one) came into my room.  How did you ever know I was crying, I asked. Jim had told him (although I think everyone within a 5-mile radius probably were wondering what that pitiful sound was.)  Bob sat with me and said all the right things: Kevin was an idiot, and someday he would regret not choosing me, and so on.  I really didn't believe him, but it was just what I wanted, and needed to hear.

For a long time after that I felt upset that Jim didn't help me that night.  He just stood there like an idiot and left to get the one who could really help- Bob.  But, the older I got the more I began to understand Jim.  He is not a touchy-feely guy.  He was not sensitive in the least.  So, when he came into my room and saw the sad condition I was in, he was not equipped nor prepared to give me the assistance he knew I needed.  His way of helping me was getting me the help I needed. If Jim hadn't gone to get Bob, who knows how long I would have kept crying and feeling miserable.

Often times God sends people into our lives to help.  It is difficult to recognize their assistance, because their help doesn't come in the way we feel we need and/or want it.  So, often it goes unnoticed, and unappreciated 

Sometimes we can get so caught up in what WE are feeling or experiencing, that we miss what others are doing for us.  Our little Grace has been in our family for a year now.  For the longest time I kept trying to figure out her needs, and how I can help her.  I began to feel tremendous pressure to figure her out, to have all the answers.  I finally broke down one evening.  As I was praying about the heavy load of expectations and effort,the Spirit spoke softly but unmistakably clearly to me: You have not been given her to help her, she has been sent to you to help you.

I had not expected that.  And, to be honest, I was taken back and a little disappointed.  I am the one that is supposed to teach her. Not vice-versa. As I silently protested and  questioned (bad girl!) But, the Spirit helped me understand that Grace was sent to me to help me become a better person. Just as I hadn't recognized the help Jim had been to me,  I also had not recognized Grace's help to me.

My brother Bob fell from the coveted position of favorite brother, however, a few years later.  I had begun to make some not-so-hot choices.  He caught me and said he was going to tell my parents if I didn't.  I called his bluff. He told my parents. I was grounded for the rest of my life (translated into parent vernacular- grounded for the summer.)  I was furious with Bob for the longest time.  But, after a while I began to see that he had actually helped me.  I began to see that even though his actions were not what I considered helping at the time, they really did help me get back on the better path and become happier.

Jim, Grace, Bob- I know that God placed them in my family - and more specifically- in that particular time, to help me.  It strengthens my testimony that God really is the Great Choreographer. He knows me and what I need better than I know myself. And thank goodness for that!  I'm still trying to figure me out!

We've all heard someone at on point or another say,  "It's hard to find good help these days." Maybe that's true.  But, perhaps are more appropriate sentiment would be, "It's hard to recognize good help these days."

God has placed people in your life, right now, to help you feel better, grow, repent, or just be happy.  They might not look and act like you want them to, or expect them too. But, the fact is that they are here for you. It may be someone that gets you to the one who helps.  It might be someone you struggle with, that causes you to learn and grow.  It might be someone who is brave enough to have you upset with them, as they lovingly (and sometimes not so lovingly) redirect your life.

You may recognize them, you might not.  You may appreciate them, you might not.  You may want them in your life, you might not. No matter what your will is, God tends to stick with His.  And His will is that you learn and grow, with all the help He can give you.

Be open, be prayerful,  be grateful. You might be surprised to find that the neighbor you can't stand has helped you become more tolerant, or the unruly child has helped you say more sincere prayers, and so on.  

Maybe, just maybe, you might find that somewhere in Washington a blogger was prompted to write this to help you see God's hand in your life.  Hmmmm.

Room to Grow

My mother passed down many wonderful things to me.  But she did not pass down a green thumb. I wish she did.  I tried to have indoor plants, but despite my best efforts, I killed them all. (I am convinced that at least half of them were suicide.) So, I stopped trying and went a different route. My home now has a array of beautiful plants- all still very much green and very much fake.

In my mothers home is a beautiful spider plant.  It started out small, a shoot from another plant.  Over the years she has watered it, gave it sunlight, nurtured it and loved it.  It grew to a lovely medium size and began to produce shoots of its own.  For years this spider plant sat in the same spot, in between two chairs by the window in her sun room.

Then, last March, I came to visit my parents.  My mother and I sat down in the chairs in her sun room to chat. There I noticed a new spider plant.  It was twice as big as the old one, and was overflowing with shoots.  I asked her where she got it.  She explained that this was the same plant that has been sitting there for years.  When I asked how it got so big, she shrugged her shoulders and said, "I just put it in a bigger pot and gave it room to grow. It did the rest."


In many ways we are all like this beautiful plant. 


If you look at the bottom of the spider plant, you will see nearly a hundred shoots.  One plant has the power to create more.  If left alone, these shoots will continue to grow in size. But, if moved into their own pots, they have the potential to become as big as their mother plant.  


We are all offspring of our Father in Heaven.  He created us.  When we lived with Him before this life we learned and grew. But, there came a time when He knew that to reach our greatest potential, we had to be moved to our own pots. That is why we are here now.  We have been given this earthly life to continue to grow, to become our own plants, to reach our potential.

Throughout life, each of us are different sizes and at different stages in our growth.  Each of us has similar needs as the plant: to be fed, to be nurtured, to be loved.  When these needs are met, we are happy.  We are content.


But, Heavenly Father knows that contentment is not the purpose of life.  Growth is. We have a greater potential than the creatures we are now. And our loving Father knows that in order for us to continue grow, He needs to give us more room.  We need to be moved to a bigger pot.


Each time we are "repotted" we are given room to grow. For some that bigger pot might be a new addition to the family. For others, it might be the inability to add to the family.  For some, a bigger pot might take the form of a trial: a wayward child, a physical disease, a loved one gone astray. And for others the pot might be more positive: a new job, a new talent, a new move, or even just meeting a new friend.


Being "repotted" can be a scary thing. Sometimes we fight it. We long for the smaller, comfortable, familiar pot.  The one where our feet touched the bottom, we could see all around us, and we felt safe. When introduced to the new space, we might question ourselves, and God : "Why must I grow? Why must things be this hard? I can't do this. Why would God do this to me?"  So, we continue to live as we did in our smaller pot.  We do not stretch.  We do not reach. Living this way seems safe, but it isn't.  It creates fear, frustration, regret, and even resentment. We curl up in a ball.  We do not grow.  

But, when faced with new experiences, with faith and courage we thrive like my mom's beautiful plant.  We can stretch ourselves to fill the space. We can find strength we did not know we had.  We may find talents that had been hidden.  We will develop faith stronger than we once had.  We will learn, grow, and even surprise ourselves.  If not for the new pot, we would have stayed the same ol' us, content and still.  But, when given the room and the opportunity, we can become more than who we were. We can become like Him.


So, when things get tough, when new challenges come, when new opportunities are presented, know that all is not lost, it is only a new pot.  Trust the Master Gardner who repotted you. Trust yourself and your abilities as He does. Have faith and courage. Reach and stretch and grow. Fill your new pot. And reach your potential.  

Happiness

Well, my class on the Basics of Happiness was tonight.  There was a good turn out, and I loved the feedback from the women.  This is a bare-bones outline of the class:

Happiness comes from 4 main sources:

    1. Our sense of worth/value

    2. A feeling of accomplishment and/or success

    3. Love- giving and receiving

    4. Selfless service

WHEN OUR EXPECTATIONS (AND HOPES) ARE ACHIEVED IN THESE AREAS, WE FEEL A LEVEL OF HAPPINESS, OR CONTENTMENT

That is why a person who values money and fame can feel an honest sense of happiness and satisfaction when he reaches his goal.  Without qualifying or quantifying that happiness- it is happiness to them all the same.

There are 3 ways to gain/increase happiness:

1. Genetics: There are optimists and there are pessimists.  The cup is seen as either half full or half empty.  We all perceive a certain level of happiness in our lives because that's how we are wired. Our innate perception, no matter how positive or negative, doesn't change the amount of water in it.

2. Created: No matter what level of happiness we are genetically disposed to, we were all born with the capacity to create additional happiness based on our choices and efforts.

 We can look at the main sources of happiness and ask ourselves: How is the definer of my value and the author of my expectations and goals? Hollywood says my size 12 is fat- so does that lower my feeling of value or worth? Society says that I should have a spotless home and career and have my children involved in all kinds of sports and music - so are those my expectations for myself, too?

If happiness comes when our expectations are met, then it is our responsibility to make sure our values and goals are of God's, not the worlds.

With the power of PERSPECTIVE and our purposeful CHOICES, we can find happiness.  As we align our will with Gods, as we begin to see ourselves and our lives through His eye, our goals will change, our expectations will change, the way we love and allow ourselves to be love change, and the way we serve others will change.

I love the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Prayer is the key to creating happiness.  We can pray for perspective, and courage to make choices that will ultimately brings us the greatest happiness- living God's will. My brother put it perfectly in his comment on the last post: For the Baptist preacher, the key to happiness is converting a soul to God. For the teenager living in Southern California the key to happiness is "making it big" as an actor. For an African, the key to happiness is having pure, disease free drinking water for her children. The key to happiness can be defined by several different desires and passions, so I would suggest context is a profound qualifier for the lesson, which I am sure you have prepared!! For me, as a father of four, an unemployed recovering addict, the key to happiness for is twofold. First is knowing through personal prayer what the will of the Father is for me, second, being brave enough to do what He expects of me. It is only when I have successfully accomplished matching both understanding coupled with action that I feel happy. Otherwise, life sucks. 

Aristotle said: "Happiness is an activity of the soul in accordance with virtue." As we choose to live our lives in accordance with virtue, or God's will for us, we create happiness for ourselves.

3. The third source of happiness is that happiness which is Given: Even after all I can do, my cup is not full.

George Q Cannon said: It is not given to men and women on the earth to be entirely satisfied, if they seek for satisfaction and happiness in worldly things. There is only one way in which perfect happiness can be obtained, and that is by having the Spirit of God.”


Perfect happiness, or complete happiness, can come only as a gift from God through the Spirit.  You may have felt it in your life already.  There are moments when I look at my children and I see them as He does, and I am overwhelmed with joy.  That is a gift.


There are moments when I am driving and saying a prayer of gratitude, and I feel an added measure of peace and happiness.  That is a gift.


There are even moments when I am in tears, on my knees, just praying for something, and I have felt the calming and reassurance rest of happiness and love.  That is a gift.


After all we can do, we are still deficient.  But, through the tender love of a Heavenly Father and the miracle of our elder brother's Atonement, we can be made whole and perfect.  Even in something as simple as happiness.


One last thing we talked about along with Perspective and Choice was Gratitude.  Gordon B Hinckley said: "Gratitude is of the very essence of worship. … When you walk with gratitude, you do not walk with arrogance and conceit and egotism, you walk with a spirit of thanksgiving that is becoming to you and will bless your lives". Sincerely giving thanks not only helps us recognize our blessings, it also unlocks the doors of heaven and helps us feel God's love.” 
 

The question was asked: Can you feel happiness when things are hard or you are sad? The answer is a resounding, YES!

Life wasn't meant to be continuous moments of happiness and glee.  There are trials, there are troubles, there are pains and sadness. But, if we can be grateful for all the moments in our lives, and see them for what they are - all opportunities to grow- then we can still feel a sense of happiness even in our darkest moments.  Especially when those darkest moments are what bring us closest to God.

Happiness isn't all joy, laughing and giggles.  Perfect happiness is peace, strength, perspective, faith, courage and action.  Happiness is living a life tandem to God's will, taking full advantage of the blessings of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and loving them, yourself and those around you.

We have the power, and the obligation, to create happiness within ourselves.  Joshua said, "Choose you this day whom you will serve."  WE have a choice- who will we look to to define our worth and set our goals and standards.  

As we make honest and concerted efforts to choose His ways, He will bless us with an added measure of happiness and joy, until our happiness is full, complete and perfect.

The irony of it all is that today was a really tough day for me. I started out the day in tears of frustration and sorrow, and ended it with tears of gratitude and happiness.  My circumstances didn't change, but my perspective did.  I made the choice to see things differently.  And when I did, I was rewarded with a peace and comfort and happiness that I know did not come from me. What a blessing this has been for me in my life.

Gordon B Hinckley also said: "Cultivate an attitude of happiness. Cultivate a spirit of optimism. Walk with faith, rejoicing in the beauties of nature, in the goodness of those you love, in the testimony which you carry in your heart concerning things divine."

I hope you have success in finding and creating and receiving happiness in your lives.