A few years ago I found out a good friend of mine
wasn’t attending the Relief Society class (the class for women taught by women)
at church. When I asked her why, she replied, “I feel uncomfortable.” Upon
further prodding she opened up and said, “I don’t fit in. I’m not like them. I can’t be like them. That’s just not me.”
I watched this amazing woman ostracize herself from a group of wonderful
sisters because she held onto the notion that you must abandon any sense of
individuality in order to fit in or fit ‘the mold.’ What a deflating and
damaging misconception!
In my years of service in the Church I’ve worked
with women and young women of all ages who are all striving to be more like
Jesus Christ. Some have it in their minds that going to church requires you to
conform to a certain personality type, to embrace hobbies that don’t come
naturally to you, and to ultimately sacrifice any sense of uniqueness, as if
sharing the same faith means sharing the same personality. They think of
conforming as the death of who they really are, and that it is simply not true.
Yes, God does want us to change, even conform, but I
don’t believe He wants us to conform our personality to the style and likings
of the people around us. He wants us “to be conformed to the image of his Son”
(Romans 8:29). That means that we are to become like Jesus Christ. In His own
words, He said, “Therefore, I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or
your Father who is in heaven is perfect” (3 Nephi 12:48). We are to conform to
perfection. But what does it look like? Does it include highlighted hair, a size
6 dress, a spotless house, and a love of canning seasonal fruit? Thankfully, no. Not that these things are bad, but if perfection rested upon them, I’d be in
big trouble!
Perfection isn’t a personality issue, but one of our
character. There is a subtle, yet
very distinct difference between the two. Your personality is made up of your
behavioral patterns habits, temperament, and emotions. You may have the
personality of an extrovert, an optimist, a jokster, serious, lazy,
hard-working, etc. Personality traits are easy to see because we are always
showing them in all that we do.
Character goes deeper and is not always easy to see
because it is often times revealed in specific circumstances. Your character is
based on your beliefs and can include things like honesty, virtue, kindness,
and selflessness. Have you ever had someone you thought was one way (based on
their personality) who, when put into a difficult circumstance, reacted totally
different? You may have heard someone say, “Well, that’s their true colors
coming through.” Our character is our ‘true colors.’ It’s the stable, constant,
undercurrent of beliefs and the condition of our heart that lie under the
ripples of our personality.
When we are asked to conform to the image of the
Son, I don’t believe we are meant to abandon all the good and fun stuff that
makes us us! We don’t have to change our personalities to match everyone else
in the room. What a tragedy that would be! No, I believe we are to look at the
things that lie deeper in our hearts, embedded in our character, that might not
be congruent with the character of the Savior—things like pride, greed,
selfishness, and anger. Those are the things we are asked to change and can
change through the miracle of repentance.
Does this mean you don’t have to change your
personality at all? Not quite. Just as there are negative character traits, personality
traits like being bossy, impatience, aggressiveness, critical, secretive, or
rude are all pretty bad. These negative personality traits can be hurtful to
others, and can and should be recognized and addressed. You might find,
however, that the more you focus on conforming your character to be like the
Savior’s, these negative personality traits naturally will begin to disappear.
We don't have to become like
everyone else, we simply need to become our‘best’ self. That happens as our character is refined through repentance and
our personality is polished; the harmful stuff is washed away and all the
wonderful stuff is left.
Paul of the New Testament is one of the most
powerful examples of personality and character. Before Paul was converted, his
name was Saul. Saul had a strong personality. He was dedicated, tenacious, and
brave. There was one major problem: Saul hated Christians. He hunted them down,
putting as many into prison as he could. On his way to Damascus to persecute
more believers, a light encircled him and he fell to the ground. The
resurrected Christ appeared to Saul and told him to go into the city.
In the meantime, the Lord appeared to man named
Ananias in a vision and told him to find Saul. Saul’s reputation had preceded
him, and caused Ananias concern, and perhaps even fear. The Lord answered, “Go
thy way, for he is a chosen vessel unto me” (Acts 9:15).
How could Saul be a chosen vessel when he was
persecuting the Lord’s own followers? The Lord knew who Saul was and what he would do when his beliefs and character
conformed to the Savior’s. He was baptized by Ananias, and immediately set out
to learn all he could about the gospel (part of that tenacious personality.) He
changed his name to Paul as embarked on a life-long mission to right his wrongs
preach the gospel to anyone who would listen. He was nearly stoned to death,
shipwrecked, bitten by a snake, and imprisoned, and in all of it he praised God
and gloried in his tribulation. That was his personality!
That is amazing and so very comforting to me that
Heavenly Father sees who we are and what we can do. It reminds me of what I
tell my kids, “Use your powers for good.” It is often half-jokingly, but always
true!
It's not about fitting in. You belong. You have a place.You are wanted. You are needed. So, build your character and embrace your personality.Conform yourself
to the character of Jesus Christ and be YOU!
