Pornography: Fighting the Real Enemy

Yesterday I wrote a post on Facebook about pornography. (See below). I was fascinated by the responses, not because they didn't all agree with one another, but because the conversation became fixated on the book and movie mentioned in my post. I feel, in a sense, the heart of the post got lost. I am not fighting against one book or one movie. 

I am fighting for the women and men who have been (or might be) damaged by pornography, and against an insidious industry that does thwarts the reality of what love really is.

Pornography has been called the modern plague. It has also been called the new drug.  It is dangerously addictive and destructive. I have seen it damage relationships, lifestyles, and people's sense of worth. It is tragic.

One of the most harmful effects on one who struggles with pornography is shame. Shame kills hope and love. They feel ashamed, dirty. Broken. It is a shame that settle so deeply into their soul that they take it for truth.It changes their ability to see themselves as they really are--as God sees them. It is heartbreaking. 

So much has been spoken about the danger of pornography, how we must fight against it, how awful it is. And I wholeheartedly agree! But, in our quest to fight pornography, let's not cause more casualties. Sensitivity and compassion are key. Shame is something we should help free people of, not hit them with.

It is a harmful addiction, but there is hope. There is a way to get through it, to overcome it. As we fight this good fight, let us do all we can to to place the shame where it belongs: on the people at the heart of this industry, not those who suffer from it.

One of the things I love about the gospel of Jesus Christ. It illuminates the hope in the world. All things can be overcome. In it is healing and strength, purpose and direction.

We have the power to choose light. Shame makes people feel as though they don't deserve light. But that is not true. They do.

As we fight this modern plague and strive to protect our families and loved ones, let is not be bashers of people, but beacons of hope. Every person matters. You matter.

Yes, I fight against pornography. But I also fight for hope, healing, compassion, and the escape from the prison of addiction. Addiction isn't a life sentence. It can be overcome. And it starts with one step away from the darkness towards the light. And I don't want to be in their way.

As we stand together to fight pornography, lets us also stand together to help the victims of it. Pornography kills love. Let's not do the same. Show compassion. Don't judge. Extend hope. Illuminate love.  And let's fight the good fight together.

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"Pornography comes in many forms, but the damage is the same. It numbs the spirit. It thwarts the realness and power of love. It creates a need and desire for more of itself.

It is dangerous and debilitating. And it is wrong.

It is also widely accepted as accepted as cool or ok. It is neither.

The porn industry is a billion dollar market that, behind the camera, produces victims of hundreds of young girls, many of which have no idea what they are going to go through in film. On the other side, it sells the message that is demeaning and demoralizing. It produces addiction, shame, selfishness, and so many other unhealthy, damaging, and perhaps even debilitating effects.

It also creates victimizers. Ted Bundy said in an interview once that he tracked the genesis of his twisted and murderous ways to pornography. It left him wanting more and more. That was the greatest commonality he shared with the other murderous inmates in his block. They were all addicted to porn.

I once watched an interview of a famous actress on the Tonight Show a few years ago who said her favorite thing to do on the road was watch late night porn in her hotel room. She giggled and the audience applauded her for her brave confession. And yet, when a friend of mine, Tara, writes an article about the the damage caused by books and movies like 50 Shades of Grey and she receives hate messages.

Courage isn't redefining what is right. Courage is fighting for what is right.

And I choose to fight for what is right.

Pornography is wrong. It is harmful. It is dangerous.

If you are a proponent for pornography, I invite you to reconsider. If you are victim or addict of pornography, I invite you to find help. If you fight against pornography, I invite to you to stand with me and my friends like Kirsten and Tara.

Let's fight for real love, the dignity of women, true strength, and for our rising generation of boys and girls who look to us to teach them how to be happy, healthy adults, how to have healthy relationships and strong families, and what love truly is.

Let's stand for what is good. Let's fight for what is right. Together."

My New Year's Evolution

I love goal setting. I'm amazing at it. Give me a pen and paper and I can have a color-coded list of goals and resolutions that could make the coldest man weep. Now, keeping them.......that's another story.

I love making New Year's resolutions. I think it's the idea of a fresh start. To me, that's what life--what the Atonement of Jesus Christ-- is all about: fresh starts. We all mess up. Every single one of us. But, hope is found in the principle that we can start anew, try again, that we can be better tomorrow than we were today. It is liberating, leaving and breathing optimism. I love it!

This isn't a debate on whether or not everyone should make New Year's resolutions. I think if we were living right we'd be making new resolutions far more often than once a year. But, since Thursday does mark the beginning of the new year, why not start now?

My friend Joanne shared with me something at church she'd read in an article about New Year's resolutions. Something like this question was asked, "How can I stick to my New Year's goals and not fail?" His answer was an interesting one. He noted that many of our resolutions or goals tend to be huge changes. He advised that rather than focusing on resolutions, that we focus on evolutions. Those would be small, almost imperceptible changes in our routine that, over time, will change us for the better. Rather than focusing on an overhaul of who we are, we focus on evolving who we are. I love that concept! I love the idea of growth and progression, especially when it is pursued in small, manageable steps.

As I've thought about my New Year's resolution list over the past weeks, it was becoming quite long and a bit daunting.  I planned to lose 25 pounds, read the scriptures all the way through in Spanish (no, I don't speak Spanish, but my son is serving a full-time mission for our church and is teaching in the Spanish language. I thought it would make me feel closer to him.) I also wanted to finish and get published the 4 books I'm working on, plus homeschool my youngest, get a part-time job, read my English scriptures an hour a day, exercise an hour a day,and not eat ice cream in 2015 (my most insane goal EVER). And that wasn't the end of my list.

I can tell you right now that I am a comfort eater, and if homeschooling is in my future, ice cream needs to be as well, so there is one failure right off the bat. I can see me failing reaching these goals in so many ways, but I was determined to try.

But now I'm not going to.

I'm not going to make New Year's resolutions this year.  I want to make New Year's Evolutions. I want make those small changes that, in a week or a year, will reap big benefits and changes. When I focus on who I want to be (evolution) rather than the things I want to do (resolutions), I found that my goals had changed.

This is now my New Year's Evolution list:

I want to be more patient, so I will take  two deep breaths when I feel the pang of impatience hit.
I want to have greater self-discipline and be healthier, so I will work on exercising every day and eating smaller portions.
I want to be closer to my Heavenly Father, so I will focus on saying more sincere prayers and finding His truths in the scriptures on a daily basis.
I want to have more gratitude, so I will focus less on the things I don't have and more on the things I do.

My focus isn't on doing what I think I should do, but being who I think I should be. And the magic of that kind of evolution is that by striving to be who I should be, I will, by default, do what I should be doing. It's change from the inside out, not outside in.

That's my goal for 2015, my New Year's Evolution evolution: To be a better me. To be more like Him.

A Good Old-fashioned Pep Talk

In my nearly twenty years of marriage I have learned that I don't want my husband to fix my problems. I am not totally helpless. Sometimes I just want to hear that everything will be okay. Sometimes I just need a little pep talk.

Sometimes life stinks. Or maybe it doesn't, and you just feel like you're lame. Sometimes life throws us a curve ball. We make mistakes, and things are just plain hard. 

Sometimes we just need a good old-fashioned pep talk to get us through. So, for you who might need it (or just want it), this is for you....

You are all right, and everything will be okay.

When we feel our trials are caving in on us, it is hard to feel in control. We try to make sense of everything. We question what is happening and maybe even why. We look at our situation, which is undesirable to say the least, and we wonder how to make it better or how it can be fixed. Will things ever be the same?

Trials hard enough all by themselves, but we can complicate matters when we begin to question ourselves. We question our ability to cope and survive or even if we will survive. We worry that we will fail--that we will fail not only ourselves but also those who need us. We believe we are the sole pillar of strength and that if we fall, everything around us will, too. Questioning and doubting ourselves steal our ability to manage ourselves. We are our own kryptonite.

The adversary would have you believe that you are weak. He is the thief of hope and strength. He knows that when you feel powerless, you will act powerless. He wants to blind you to the fact that even when you are hurting and struggling, you can get up again.

Know this: You are doing better than you think you are. You are stronger than you realize. You will make it through. 

During difficult times, it might be tempting, not only to question yourself but to question God. That is, perhaps, Satan's most favorite weapon. He would have you wonder, If God loves you, why would He let this happen? He would have you doubt that God can hear you. He would have you even doubt there is a God.

But God is real. He does love you. He hears you. He will support and guide you. He has faith in you. He is the One who is ultimately in control. And as you exercise faith in Him, everything will be okay.

I know that life can be challenging. Perhaps, as you read this, you are struggling. You might be doubting yourself or your decisions, You might be wondering if you have the strength to cope. Your faith might be wavering. Your heart might be breaking. You might be confused or tired. You might even be crying. But listen to me and believe what I say:

You are all right, and everything will be okay.

Because it's true. You can have confidence in that.

Go Ahead. Reject Me...I'm OK with it.

I'll be honest, I have never liked rejection. It sucks. One of the things I'm working on is not taking rejection personally. It's hard! 

I spoke at a wonderful conference for women and young women this past weekend. One of the principles I taught them was the the opinions of others are just that--their opinions. Opinions are not truth. 

Rejection is often coupled with a palm to the face, or insults, or words like "It's not you, it's me." I can handle other people having negative opinions about me, but when it comes to the next layer of rejection, that's where I struggle.

I experience a wave of rejection just a few weeks ago. The first was an email I received from a blogger that was supposed to review my book back in January. I emailed to inquire if she had read the book and was planning on putting up a review. She said, "I've never gotten through it. What I've read is good but I seem to read a chapter then forget about it."

Ouch. Not even a typical female attempt to soften the blow. 

The next day I received word that a speaking group I had hoped to become a part of decided I wasn't "a good fit" for them. 

Ouch again.

Then, two days later, I was told by a publisher that one of my book ideas was "gimmicky," that they weren't interested in it, and that it would be damaging to my 'brand' to publish it.

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

I tried to remember the truth that rejection is more about the person (or people, in my case) rejecting than the person being rejected. But, I didn't do a very good job. I cried for a few minutes. (Ok, days, but who's counting?)

I focused on the trifecta of rejection until I began to take their opinions as truths. Maybe I wasn't a good writer or speaker. Maybe I was just a gimmick. The more I thought about it and chewed on it, the more miserable I became.  I mean, what if they were right? 

Then I wondered if the friend from the past that called me in January was right. She called, out of the blue, angry. She said she was reading my book, and didn't like it. She then proceeded to tell me I was a terrible person and need therapy. How could I write a book like this because I was such an awful person? She said she'd finish reading my book, but she wouldn't enjoy it. I told her I loved her and I would love to talk with her more about why she felt that way, but she said she wasn't interested. She hung up and unfriended me on FB.

Then, maybe the relative that told me the only reason they spend time with me is because they have to was right. We are too different and they just don't 'get' me.

Then, maybe Tim French from middle school was right when he spit in my face and told me I was gross.

The weight of rejection laid heavily on my heart. The more I though about it, the more I wondered if they were all right. Just maybe.

Then, two wonderful things happened. 

A few days after I became a pinata of rejection, I talked with my husband about the string, and sting, of rejections. I said, "You know, I feel like I'm trying to do good things and and be a good person, and the very ones that are supposed to be the biggest supporters, the ones who should 'get' it, are not only rejecting me, but being not very kind about it. It hurts."

His response was unexpected and profound. He said, "It sounds very similar to someone else you know and love." It took only a moment for me to understand he meant Jesus Christ. Not that he or I were comparing myself or what I am doing to Him, but my husband's point was this: 

Sometimes we focus on how much our Savior understands us--and He does. He has felt every emotion, every sorrow, every pain, every joy, every thing we have felt He has felt. He was perfect love and empathy for us. But, how often to do we focus on understanding how He felt, empathize with Him? 

In that moment I understood just a sliver of what He must have felt. He was rejected, not just by His enemies, by the very people that should have been His greatest supporters. Family, friends, church members and leaders. 

As I let this epiphany sink in, the reality of what my Savior went through became more real. He became more real. He was rejected. He hurt. I was rejected. I hurt. I knew that He understood me, but I felt that I had begun to understand Him just a little more.

Jesus Christ was perfect and rejected. His rejection was a direct reflection of others, not Him. I am totally imperfect and rejected. My rejection is a direct reflection of others, not me. Suddenly my rejection became a source of understanding and a spring-board to a stronger relationship with my Savior.

I felt closer to Him, but there were still some lingering doubts. The Savior is perfect. I'm not. What if they were right...even just by a hair?

Then came the second wonderful thing. A few days later I was scheduled to speak to a group of women about the power of doing and becoming. As I spoke the clouds of doubt left and I was lifted and filled once again. It wasn't from the women who came up afterwards and shared their stories with me (though I loved talking to every one of them!), but it was the feeling I had as I taught them.

When truth is taught, God confirms it by the power of the Spirit. If we are listening for it (and sometimes when we are not), we can hear and feel His validation of the things we are being taught or teaching. That morning I spoke about doubt and fear, and having faith in yourself. As I started to speak I felt like an empty well, but as I spoke, God seemed to fill me up with the confirmation that the things I was sharing were indeed true for them, and again true for me.

I say again because I've struggled with rejection in the past and He has helped me feel better--helped me to see once again see myself through His eyes. Not the eyes of the people who don't 'get' me, don't want me, and simply don't like me or what I have to offer, but how He sees me-how I really am. He made me feel good. He's done it in the past, and He's done it once again just last week.

When it comes right down to it, God knows me better than an old friend, a publisher, a speakers group, a blogger. Though they may even have valid points, it doesn't change my worth in God's eyes. It was a difficult, but sweet, reminder to me once again how important it is that we seek His perspective in our lives. I also felt His love for me, and it sweeter than anything I've ever tasted. Even Tollhouse chocolate chip cookie pie. It's that really good.

He also knows you and your worth. If rejection ever has or will come knocking at your door (or email, or phone), I hope you turn to Him. It's easy to get lost in the world of opinions, but He knows more about you that even you do, and His opinion is more important--and more true--than anyone else's.

To me, that's the power of perspective--it can not only help you see the good things in your life, but take the sting out of the negative things. Perspective also gives you the power to direct your eyes, your happiness, and ultimately, your power to where it needs to be--in God and in yourself. 

I gave my power over to others for a few days, but I took it back. I don't dwell on the opinions of others. God knows who I am. I know who I am. So, go ahead. Reject me. I'm OK with it. 

Because of Him

I watched this short video again, and loved it so much I want to share it with all of you. It echos my testimony of my Savior, that I have is because of Him.